Seizing Daylight
by Aurora Rory
Summary: Rory is a vampire living in Europe with her human husband. Tragedy strikes and she turns to the Cullens for support. The story is parallel to Twilight and her life intersects with the Cullens at various spots giving new light to their characters.
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

I gasped at the pain of it all. The fire, the burning, the absolute agony, it was more than I could handle in that moment. I could just barely hear screaming over the roar of the fire in my veins, but I couldn't feel the screaming coming from my throat. Even if my throat was hoarse it hardly compared to the pain I was dealing with. I think my eyes were closed because everything seemed dark, but maybe that was just the pain overwhelming all my senses.

I didn't feel when I was picked up, and I couldn't experience the sensation of movement as we flew through the air. I didn't know anyone could feel like this, I thought I was thrown in a microwave alive, cooked from the inside out. It went on like this for what seemed like days, or weeks, or even months. I thought of nothing but pain.

When I was able to see again, there were three of them standing around me. I could hear them breathing above the roar of the pain. It must have been dulling, it didn't feel like it was, but it had to because otherwise I couldn't have heard them. Two women and a man with pale skin and dark eyes licked their chops. They reminded me very much of the man who attacked me before the pain had set in.

"I think she's coming around," I heard one of the women say. I couldn't lift my head to respond. I just moaned.

"Yea, she is quite stunning. We were lucky we got to her before he came back."

I turned a little bit to see who said that, a fourth person standing on the other side of me winked. He laughed a little bit when I moaned more in response. I looked again, only to realize it was the same man as before. He moved so quickly.

"We should probably get out of here before she loses it. Never good to be near a newborn before their first kill. We are far enough out in the country that whoever she comes across first won't be missed much," the man behind me chuckled and winked again.

Before I could do little more than moan, they were gone. They moved so quickly they were nothing more than streaks of light moving across the room. I rolled over in agony.


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

"You look awful," I sniffed him quietly. Something was wrong, something was very wrong. I had lived with Nathaniel for nearly thirty years, he was my best friend and he was very human. Unlike so many other vampires, I chose to live among the humans, preferring their company to the solitary nomadic lifestyle of others of my kind. I could smell the faint smell of death coming off of him, a normal smell for one who dealt with it all day, but this wasn't from his clothes, it was coming from him.

"I am just tired, it was a long day," he looked down at me on the sofa and kissed me on the cheek. Something in my eyes told me he was lying as it had so many other days. But today it was too powerful for me to ignore.

Nathaniel had guessed my secret many years ago, he helped me hide it, and he had promised to go to the grave with it. He wasn't a hundred percent certain what I was but he knew I wasn't human and knew I was a monster. I didn't know if he lived in fear with me but if he ever had he hid it well now.

"No, you don't smell right; promise me you will get things checked out tomorrow. Don't wait," I pleaded with him quietly. I could smell death; I had made a specialty of it. I could never bring myself to hunt those with lives ahead of them. Instead I eased those who were close to death on to the ever after. It was the only way I could live with myself. Nathaniel, being a doctor, helped me find dying patients. I would have been with him today, but the sun does funny things to my skin, holding me hostage in doors.

He nodded and sat down beside me. I leaned my head into him, I wasn't the first vampire to take a human partner and I was certain I wouldn't be the last. Sure, it didn't happen often, but some of us carried more of our humanity with us than others. I guess my parentage led me to this lifestyle.

I was raised by a coven of female vampires living in Alaska. Tanya, their leader, lived by hunting animals instead of humans. They hunted men in a _very_ different way. She had helped me make the transition to my new life, but living in the city had ensured hunting animals was out of the question.

Nathaniel led me to patients who were near to death. I would sing to them and sit with them for days on end, particularly those without family. Most of them were right about to take their last breath, I would wait till the heart sputtered and gently kiss them. Gruesome and not very satisfying, but it allowed me to keep up pretenses.

He took his shoes off absentmindedly while I carefully rubbed his shoulders. As strong as I was I could have broken him in half. But I felt the knots in his back and I knew that he knew. When I touched him I could feel everything he was feeling. The sense that death was stalking him felt all too near to me.

I was always very empathetic when I was human. I rarely could watch a good horror flick without taking on the feelings of those in the movie. My empathy turned into a gift of being able to both take on and share the emotions of those around me. It aided me as I helped patients toward death and it also kept me from hurting those I loved. When you feel everything someone else feels you can't help but feel a connection. Once I realized I had this gift, I couldn't hunt living humans again.

Nathaniel worked as a doctor in the local hospital here in Berlin. When we had met he was a young, thirty six year old, dashingly good looking surgeon. He was tall, dark brown hair that had just a touch of wave to it. His voice was deep and his eyes were green. I wanted to kill him the moment I saw him.

Thirty years ago he found me in the morgue looking for bodies that were near dead. I thought about killing him then but when I reached to touch him I could sense everything about him, his fear, his pride, his loneliness. In one moment everything had changed for me and I simply couldn't kill him.

I was about to run when his feelings turned toward me. He seemed intrigued by what I was doing and seemed to sense there was something supernatural about me. I hadn't expected that, few people believed the myths from the past. He never spoke the word and I never prodded him on it. It was better this way, just in case.

To him I appeared a beautiful angel, or maybe a demon, with brown wavy hair, dark purple eyes, and pale skin. He must have thought for a moment he was peering at the angel of death, silently bouncing from bed to bed in the morgue. I wasn't as tall as him, and appeared slender but athletic, complements of my dedication to sports before I was turned. I was somewhat of an aberration for my time, growing up in the sixties, women didn't really play sports and even more of an aberration as a vampire.

It took some time for him to see what I was doing. After a while he told me he could help me and asked me to volunteer nights at the hospital. I put on a candy stripper uniform and followed him during rounds. It had taken all my self control to stroll among people this way, but I found it was easier when I touched them. I would make an effort to brush by those who I saw everyday. Their feelings crept into my spirit and mine into theirs. I felt compassion for their suffering and looked at them less like prey and more like a pet.

When someone was particularly sick, Nathaniel would take me to their room. I would sit with them each night, holding their hand and passing my calm spirit onto them and their families. We cried, and prayed, and sang, and read, and looked at pictures. It was easy to feel close to people when your emotions all became linked. Death became easier for everyone involved. When I left the families with their dead many of them thanked me for my compassion. I couldn't help but see the irony in the situation, but at least I felt less like a monster.

Since I never aged, Nathaniel and I moved after a few years, getting married in the process. We lived as husband and wife and there was affection there, love even, but nothing passionate. We needed each other in a way that transcended the physical. Most nights I would watch him sleep and keep up on my interests.

Years went by, and I never aged, we moved around Europe creating new personas for me. Now I was his daughter, he was much too old and I was much too young to play his wife. He was much too delicate now for me to actually be his wife but we were happy.

He smiled wanly at me and I said, "You know don't you, when were you going to tell me? You were waiting for me to find out," the sound of my hiss surprised me. I was more hurt than angry. I looked at him again, and he looked older, he was only sixty eight, but he looked thin and fragile. How had a missed this for the past few years? How long had he been going down hill like this? When I looked at him I never saw the old man but the young doctor who found me in the morgue. I felt like I was lying to myself but my love for him kept me from seeing the truth.

"I suspected for some time, Rory, but I didn't want you to try to convince me to make me one of you again. We have had a good life, I have had a good life," he whispered and pulled me into a weak hug. If I could cry, I would have cried. His face looked so serious and loving at the moment all I could do was reach out to him and hold him. I felt his calm emotions and felt a little better. Whatever he was going through he wanted to go through. Immortality was not part of his world even if it was part of mine. I knew eventually this day would come but I always assumed I would be able to talk him into joining me.

I got up and picked up the phone. I had lived with humans so long; I didn't have a coven of my own. I wasn't a nomad either; my hunting skills were long out of use. I was unique among my kind. So I called Tanya, I had spent my first year in the Denali's with the sisters who only hunted big game in Alaska. I found it depressing to live so far away from people while I was with them. I was a city girl even before I was a vampire. I left as soon as I felt comfortable enough to not kill every human I met.

"Hey Tanya, how is it going?" I asked when I heard the phone pick up. I tried to sound casual carefully hiding my crumbling emotions behind my lilting melodic voice.

"Guess who is here?" she sounded excited and I could tell I wasn't going to get the support I was really looking for. It must have been someone she was anxious to see because she was rarely excited about anyone coming to visit.

"I don't know, who?" I asked her softly not really wanting to play twenty questions.

"Edward."

"Oh," I replied not really concealing the flatness in my voice. Edward, the gorgeous fixture of Tanya's imagination. Her fantasies revolved around him and every man she found reminded her of him. He was beautiful with wavy bronze hair and piercing golden eyes but I always found him to be boring and somber in the handful of times I met him. He would have made a great goth in high school with all his emotional baggage and smoldering melancholy. I shook my head in annoyance because the few times we had met it didn't go very well.

"You remember Edward?" she probed gently. I couldn't imagine why I would care, I shook my head again. She always had a crush on him, but he never seemed to return the favor. I always tried to convince her to join me in Europe, but she preferred the wide outdoors and the large population of men in Alaska. I was a one man woman, and never fit in there.

"Sure, I remember him, your unrequited love," I said sourly. Nathaniel looked up at me from the couch when I growled.

"So what is he doing visiting you? Is the rest of the family there?" my interest piqued for a moment. Edward's adoptive vampire mother, Esme, was a good friend of mine. She was a little bit older when she was changed, like me, so we had more in common than the others. However she always seemed more motherly than me so I often called her Auntie which she liked. We weren't replacements for the kids she would never have but we seemed to fill some maternal instinct.

"No, just Edward. He is having some issues with his family. Maybe you want to visit too? We always have more fun when you are around."

She was lying but I knew she could hear the need in my voice for some companionship. I considered the offer, and mouthed it to Nathaniel. He smiled broadly; and mouthed back that perhaps a trip is what I needed. I got the feeling he wanted me out of the house, probably so I wouldn't pester him about making the change. Things were bad and I knew it but a short trip might give me some time to think, I convinced myself.

"Sure, Nathaniel seems to think it is a good idea. I will get the first flight out tomorrow," I said as casually as I could.

"Edward said he will pick up the tab on the plane ticket," she replied. I was momentarily shocked at his generosity since we rarely got along. But it didn't take me long to realize he wanted Tanya to have some distraction from him. He apparently was escaping some reality like I was.

Edward lived in a coven of vampires, who like Tanya and her family, lived only off of wild animals. He was old, older than me, and his "father" was even older. They had bundles of money stashed away playing the stock market just right with their "seer," Alice, helping along the way. So I graciously accepted the offer.

"Tell Edward thank you for me"

"I'll see you soon then," she said excitedly and hung up the phone.

This trip could be a good thing but I wanted to let some other friends of mine know where I was going. Siobhan was a good friend of mine and I checked in with her every so often. Her coven lived in Ireland most of the time. She was the one who found me dying in that hostel and brought me to her home. I always felt loosely attached to them, but never really one with them. I never enjoyed hunting the way she did, which is why she sent me to be with Tanya's family in the Denali's.

I gave Siobhan an update on my situation with Nathaniel, Tanya, and Edward. She was mostly supportive and she always thought that I should have closer ties to Tanya's family than her own. She never liked that I was so isolated among humans and she couldn't understand my overwhelming compassion toward them.

I couldn't help it, my gift was to both feel what humans felt and project my feelings to them. Some vampires had gifts, some didn't. Mine was simple, but it kept me from hunting the way Siobhan did. I thought of Edward's father Carlisle, he too felt a great deal of compassion, but it wasn't a gift like mine, just part of his personality that was amplified when he became a vampire. He was a doctor, Nathaniel would have been like him if he would let me make him a vampire, and had no problem being around human blood. Like me, his compassion toward those he was serving kept him from the hunt. Unlike me, he had never tasted human blood.

I quietly packed my things and made arrangements after Nathaniel went to sleep. I set the coffee pot to make coffee for the morning and made some cinnamon rolls. I knew it would be a difficult day for him tomorrow and I wanted to make it as easy as possible.


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Airports were never my favorite place, unlike hospitals where the smell of death seemed to cool my thirst, airports were full of tasty treats. I held my breath; I couldn't feel compassion for them until I touched them and there were far too many of them to be brushing up against them all. I shook my head and raced toward the door.

Once outside the cool air of Alaska felt familiar to me, I tasted all the clean scents and I almost felt like I was returning home. My earliest memories were formed in these mountains. The crisp air felt like silk against my stone-like skin. I threw my backpack on my back and raced for the forest lines. Once there I could take off non-stop to Tanya's home.

I met Tanya outside her home; she was waiting for me with Edward. He looked just as I remembered him, not a day older. I don't' know why I still expected vampires to look older, it must just have been my constant contact with the human world that led to those expectations. His hair was still that beautiful bronze color in my memories, his eyes were black with thirst, and he looked tired (as if a vampire could be tired). A growl emanated from his throat.

"Cool your jets kid, I came to see you."

"I can smell the scent of him on you, how do you stand it?" his look pierced through me. He knew I lived with a human so why did he bother him so much now.

I shook my head and stuck out my hand, "It is good to see you again Edward, and you do look as good as ever."

"Do I?"

I ignored him, and turned to Tanya, "Nathaniel is dying," I stated somberly, changing the subject and the mood. She hugged me fiercely, behind her I saw Irina peering out the window. She waved briefly and walked away from the window. I guess I was somewhat causing a stir here, though it seemed like Edward had a head start in that department.

"That is what I was calling about. I am not sure he has long left to live. I have tried to convince him over and over to join me, but he seems content to live and die," words started falling out quickly from my mouth. All the stress of the past two days, the worry, the traveling made me weary.

"I only came because Nathaniel wanted me out of the house, he doesn't like me worrying about him. How can he be so okay with this?"

Tanya hugged me again and asked if we would like to go inside. Edward growled at me some more, I ignored it. Petulant child, he thinks he has problems. What could possibly be worse than having your mate die on you? He goes to high school for goodness sake. He takes a few tests that he already knows the answers to and graduates again and again. Some people would give their right arm to live his lifestyle.

Edward was older than me by about fifty years but often acted immature in a way I couldn't understand. I guess because he was stuck at seventeen and me at twenty two. I had graduated college and was gaining some worldly experience before I was changed. What could you learn as a seventeen year old at the beginning of the twentieth century? I shrugged at the thought, and followed Tanya in the house.

I looked over and saw Edward glaring at me again. I forgot he could read my mind and every thought I had was projected right into his mind. I would have to watch what I thought about for the next few days.

Once inside we sat around on sofas in a great room. Irina and Kate were entertaining some men from the local tavern. There was a lot of food and drink being shared around. An image of Hansel and Gretel played in my mind. It appeared like they were being fattened up for the kill but that wasn't the kind of kill Irina and Kate were going after. The quickest way to man's heart is through his stomach and I would imagine the quickest way to a man's bed is much the same.

There was Edward glaring at me again and my thoughts turned back to more somber things. I hadn't come here to play in their little fishing expedition.

"He came home yesterday smelling of death, it wasn't like normal. He says he has known for awhile, how could I have missed it?" I related everything that had happened before the phone call.

"He says he has cancer, the bad kind, pancreatic cancer. I don't think there is much they can do. He seems sad, but he doesn't seem to care that I could heal him, fix him, we could live to together forever. He doesn't want that, he doesn't seem to care that I will be left alone. I guess I knew it would happen eventually, but I always believed when death came near he would ask to stay with me," I choked tearlessly.

Tanya held my hand and Edward continued to glare at me, apparently I was stealing his pity party. But what could possibly be as bad as losing your mate for the past thirty years, I glared back at him through my sobs. I heard him growl softly at me and I hissed back, the skin pulling back from my teeth. That animal side of me was pulling free after so long cultivating it back.

In one second I was out of Tanya's arms and pouncing on Edward. He heard my thought before I could even reach him and was out of the way. I crashed into the table, but was back on my feet in a second. Stupid kid, what the hell could possibly be worse.

"What is worse?" he answered my thought out loud but finished the rest of it silently in my head. _I met the most delicious thing, child, girl; I have ever smelled in biology class. She is just a child and I am a monster. I would kill a thousand people to get to her. I can't be near her._

I laughed out loud and thought about being a high schooler again. He growled again. If I were a mind reader like him, his thoughts would be shouting at me, because I could very nearly hear them anyway. His anger burned at my scorn, he despised me for treating him like a child.

"You are having teen angst problems and you compare that to what I am going through? Why don't you just stay here, Tanya would love it if you did," I winked at her. She was giggling now too.

After a moment of silence I sighed, remembering how it felt to be a teenager, all the awkwardness of finding yourself. For a moment I felt grateful I was changed later than Edward. I was capable of love, a state that wouldn't change for thousands of years to come. Edward was just a teenager, barely capable of making decisions for himself, also a state that wouldn't change for thousands of years.

I heard him sigh in agreement with my thoughts and I walked over to him, "I get the feeling there is more to this story than what you are letting on," I finished my thought in my head where Tanya couldn't hear it. _It really is better for you to stay here; Tanya thinks the world of you. I am sure she is hoping I will talk you out of leaving._

He mumbled something under his breath that sounded like thanks anyway.

One of the men, drunk and loud, but rather attractive, practically shouted across the room, "How many beautiful women live in this house?"

Irina laughed, "More than you can handle, so quit worrying about it."

He took another swig of his brandy and I walked into the other room to call Nathaniel. He sounded happy to hear from me, said that his tests came back better than expected and that he would be having surgery soon. He wasn't good at lying, but I bought it because what else could I do. He told me he loved me and I hung up the phone and turned on a movie.

A quiet knock on the door startled me from my thoughts.

"Come in," I whispered knowing that any vampire would hear it and any human would think I was asleep.

Edward opened the door, I didn't need to touch him to know what he was feeling, and the agony was clear on his face. He sat down next to me on the sofa without saying a word, but I felt the tension as soon as his skin pressed to mine.

"You want to talk about it, kid."

"You know I am older than you, by five decades, you could show me some respect for your elders," again with the growling. I rolled my eyes and tried to focus.

I touched his hand for a moment, suddenly voices popped into my head, several of them. Some of them had a dreamlike quality, others I recognized as Tanya and her family. I shook my head startled and pulled my hand away like he burned me.

"What?"

"I don't know, when I touched you I heard voices, the voices of all the people around me, the dreams of the men sleeping in the other room, the thoughts of Tanya, Irina and Kate. What did you do?" He wouldn't have noticed those thoughts coming from me; they were a reflection of what he was already hearing.

"I didn't do anything."

I refocused back on Edward, careful not to touch him this time. He just seemed so young, it was hard for me to take whatever this situation really was seriously. He seemed like my kid brother from when I was growing up, not some hundred year old vampire.

"Kid brother? Well what would you say to your kid brother?" his asked and his eyes held a sincerity that touched me.

"I would punch him in the gut and tell him he is being a baby. Then he would run and tell mom what I had done. But since you can hear my thoughts there is no point in me punching you. I will end up breaking something, and I know Tanya hates to clean up messes," I said trying to lighten his mood. It didn't work.

"Should I go home?" he stated it abruptly, quickly changing the subject. Obviously the way I felt about him was uncomfortable.

"Edward, what exactly are you looking for from me?"

"You love him, how do you stand it?"

The words took me back for a moment. We were talking about love? I thought were talking about eating some girl for lunch. Pieces started clicking together, ah the forbidden fruit. But I got a real sense that he didn't really know it yet.

He just shook his head at my childish thoughts and said, "And you think I am the child."

"Look, it just sort of happened between Nathaniel and I, he was helpful and we spent a lot of time together. I would have killed him the moment I met him, but the instant I touched him I felt his fear, his interest, everything about him. I knew him instantly and then I couldn't hurt him."

He shook his head again and I sighed, what a predicament. The one you love is the one you desire more than anything else. I never felt that way about anyone before, so I couldn't empathize here. But I touched his had again, hoping to calm his pain.

Instead of calming his pain I heard all the voices again, but I didn't pull away this time. I was curious; I could hear Tanya loathing Edward's eminent departure and Kate chastising herself for not getting her projection right, again. I looked Edward in the eye, he shrugged.

"So you can hear them all too? That is interesting, I wonder if your gift is a little bit more than you initially suspected."

"Perhaps, I am not around other vampires with gifts very often so I would never have known to try. I only ever thought that I was an empath. Maybe I am an amplifier, I hear they are very rare," I puzzled it over for a moment, but Edward looked bored with the news like he had already figured it out.

"I'm leaving," he said and walked out of the room. I followed him out and watched Tanya leap after him. I left them alone and began packing my things. I wasn't sure I wanted to stay here anyway.


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

I had a plane ride home to think about the past few days and thirty years of history. With my very open mind I could think about several things at once, pictures floated through, conjured up on a whim. I clearly saw Nathaniel as I first saw him that day he found me in the hospital morgue. Many patients were considered dead on arrival even if they still had some residual heart activity left. That was always a good place for me; I was quiet enough to sneak into anywhere not getting caught.

I heard him coming up from outside the door to the morgue, his scent smelled delicious, and the meal I had just finished didn't satisfy my thirst. I was set to pounce when he opened the door. It would just be a little collateral damage and Siobhan would be proud of me. Just as I grabbed him, I felt all of his feelings, instead of killing him, I wrapped myself into a ball protectively around him and we both fell to the floor.

He was stunned by my gracefulness and frightened by my strength. I backed off him quickly, horrified by revulsion to myself. What kind of a monster could I be? The memory triggered my talk with Edward, suddenly I could empathize, and perhaps we weren't so different. I just simply wasn't as drawn to Nathaniel as he apparently was to the object of his fixation.

For the next several nights he found me in the morgue, always intrigued, but never asked any questions. I felt thrilled that he was watching me, I felt more alive when he was there. It was a private moment that we shared and it was nice to have someone to share it with.

After months of this, he asked me to come with him. He handed me a candy stripper uniform, I changed in a blur, my eyes never leaving his. I followed him out quietly. I wished he was more afraid of me but I had never given him any reason to be after that first night. How could kill someone who you knew so much about? I started thinking of him as my pet, the way a human thinks of a dog. Except this pet was feeding me.

He led me to a room a dying woman. I could smell it on her, the stale taste of death. I could hear her heart falter and her eyes scanned the room wildly. She was right to be afraid; I was the angel of death. I reached for her hand, her fear became mine but I sorted through it and found a sense of calm. She looked at me, the fear gone from her eyes. I felt a sense of satisfaction that I had done some good and had given some meaning to my otherwise monster-like existence.

Nathaniel watched quietly, seeming to take notes in his head. Apparently I was living up to his expectations of me. He knew I was supernatural and he knew there was something fearful about me, but he saw the humanity and compassion in my every movement. He never asked me what I was but merely accepted, and this experiment of his seemed to prove whatever hypothesis he had come to was correct.

I heard the old woman's heart stop for a moment and restart, the monitors were blaring and Nathaniel was at my side. I stepped back as he attempted to resuscitate her, but his every effort seemed to fail. Nurses crowded into the room, pushing me to the back, and I watched and waited my turn. Time of death was called but I could still hear a soft thumping every now and then. She wasn't entirely dead.

When they left I walked up to her and quietly kissed her cheek. In the time it took to kiss her I was already done. Nathaniel looked at me and I turned a little embarrassed this time. It was the first time I waited for death to come to me.

"There was nothing we could do, but she seemed very peaceful. Whatever you did for her, you made her feel better. She was railing this morning, sounding insane and angry. Many of the nurses wouldn't even come near her."

His eyes showed understanding, and I knew I had found what I was looking for.

"Would you like to go to dinner with me sometime?"

The question threw me off guard. I appreciated his company and felt aglow in his attention but I never dreamed of spending that kind of intimacy with anyone.

"I don't eat dinner," I winced at having to admit to him I was somehow different. But he just nodded and walked out.

"Maybe some other time, then," I saw him smiling.

I was smiling at the thought, so many memories together. I had books and books of pictures. My lifestyle put Nathaniel in danger from more than just me. I had friends in many covens; I had to, to provide cover for me if anyone _important_ ever found out about my living situation. Most vampires were sympathetic because they too tried to live among humans. I just did it more successfully.

Since I always lived under the radar and alone, I wasn't too concerned about it. There wasn't any reason to be tracked by the Volturi, the vampire equivalent of royalty or maybe judge, jury and executioner was a better comparison. And since I hadn't technically broke any rules, after all Nathaniel only guessed I was supernatural, and not a vampire, it gave them less of a reason to destroy him if they did find out.

All of this brought me back to Edward's predicament; it seemed unlikely that a large coven of vampires like that could remain under the radar for long, especially if it all ended badly. But I knew Carlisle and he would support his "son" so I put the thought out of my head.

I closed my eyes like I was sleeping; I didn't want anyone to think I was strange trapped in this plane full of people. I hadn't taken a breath since I stepped on, just incase temptation overwhelmed my better senses. My mind drifted to other old memories.

"Would you like to come to the Christmas party with me, Lorelei?" his question surprised me. I was making rounds, handing out medication and calming patients and their families with smiles and hugs. The hospital loved to have me around; most people just figured I had a gift with people. No one suspected anything supernatural.

"I don't think that is a good idea."

"I don't think anyone has a reason to fear you, you do so well here. People love you, please," the pleading in his voice unnerved me. I mentally calculated the risk verses return. I had been spending so much time with him away from the hospital lately, going on walks in the evening, seeing shows, but never for dinner. He never asked again about dinner.

"Alright, but the first sign of trouble I am out of there."

It was 1973, the world was changing and disco was the rage. So I picked out a cute orange and black diamond dress that only came down mid thigh. I thought he might like that. I found some white go-go boots that came up past my knee and dark tights to cover up my legs. I did my hair up high, lots of hair spray and dark makeup around my eyes.

In the year since we had first met, I figured I had to put down roots. I could still pass for under thirty, so I had kept my old identity. I found an apartment in London on a modest budget in the worst part of town. I thought about if my parents knew where I was living they would flip out. But I was invincible now, so I never felt afraid.

Nathaniel picked me up from my place, and as always, he tried to convince me to move in with him. He commented on how wonderful I looked and kissed me. His warm lips felt amazing against my cool skin. Not bad for a thirty seven year old, I thought. All the other guys must be jealous at his good fortune. I thought about what I would look like if I had aged naturally, I would be twenty eight now, probably not too different.

The party was the typical office Christmas party. Disappointing in every way, but I seemed to be the star of the show. The other women gossiped. I held my breath as much as possible, but the fog of smoke helped disguise the tempting scents of the people around me as the scent of death did in the hospital.

When the party was finishing up, Nathanial pulled me outside on the balcony overlooking the Thames. He got down on knee and proposed. I could hardly believe what was happening. I never thought I would be a married woman. But he seemed earnest, and against my better judgment, I agreed.

We decided to have the justice of the peace marry us; I refused to have a big ceremony since my parents couldn't attend. For all they knew I was dead, or run away. I had disappeared from that hostel but no one ever reported a body. Siobhan had hid all the evidence, and I appeared to be a runaway, but as an adult, I just fell off the face of the planet. No one ever came to look for me after that. I was sure I broke my parents' hearts but my anger toward them still simmered at the surface and I was happier away from them.

The plane was landing which distracted me from my fantasy. I felt the pressure change and felt better knowing I would soon be off this stuffy plane with all the scents of dinner running through it. I was thirsty, and I was sure Nathaniel had a plan when he came to get me from the air port.

The plane lurched suddenly, and I gasped, inhaling stale airplane air. I thought I would choke on the scent of all those people. My throat burned and my mouth filled with the bitter taste of venom, like bile. I grabbed the arm rest a little too hard and put a dent in it. My mind racing with the thrill of the hunt, but I stilled it with images from my past, of Nathaniel. He acted as my anchor to reality, my humanity.

When the wheels touched down, I felt the tension ease out of my body. The burn was wearing off but my head was still reeling from the intense desire to feed. Nathaniel better have a plan, he knows as well as anyone how difficult it is for me travel.

When the door to the plane finally opened, I practically shoved those ahead of me to get off into the cool wintery air. I inhaled deeply, mostly jet fuel fumes, but it removed the final vestiges of pain.

I ran through the terminal as always, since I never checked any baggage I raced to where Nathaniel said he would meet me. I didn't see anyone, so I tried to get him on his cell phone, no answer. I shrugged, threw the phone in my purse and hailed a cab. Another long trip in a small vehicle with a vulnerable human, but what was another forty minutes. Nathaniel must have been called away to the hospital.

As I got in I touched the cabby on the shoulder just as a precaution. He seemed openly afraid of me, whether it was my look or my unsolicited touch, he barely squeaked out his inquiry about where to take me.

I gave him the address and closed my eyes. It is better if I imagined myself anywhere but here. My thoughts drifted back to Edward and his predicament. It is never easy to deny yourself your true nature, I could certainly understand that. I made my life among humans and for the most part their scents didn't bother me. But I also existed mostly in a world of death anyway. It is much easier to ignore the thrill of the hunt when the stench of death lingers among everyone you meet. We aren't carrion so we aren't drawn to feed on those near death. I was an exception to our nature just as Edward was.

I thought about the first time I met him; it was shortly after Nathaniel had proposed. Not knowing what to do, I called Siobhan with my dilemma. She never supported my lifestyle, but put me in touch with Carlisle. He invited to me his home; they were living in Maine at the time. I made the trip out there without hesitation, like Edward I was desperate.

Nathaniel was fun and "growing up" with Tanya had led me to believe that men were fun to play with. I never expected it to become serious and I never expected to get married. He would grow old one day and I never would. People would be suspicious, and although Nathaniel never asked any questions, others would.

Edward met me at the airport and took me back to their mansion. He was breathtaking, bronze hair and golden eyes. I couldn't help but be drawn to him. He seemed so young to me, hardly even a man, but he still made me giggle. He didn't seem enthused by my impure thoughts. Carlisle had warned me about his ability, but for that moment, it was hard to control my thoughts.

He said very little as we raced along. He seemed to disapprove of me. When I thought this, he responded that he did disapprove, that I was making all of us vulnerable with my lifestyle. The anger in his voice shocked me, I hissed at him, my lips curling back, my muscles ready to pounce.

"Who do you think you are, kid?" I chastised him.

"Carlisle might approve, but you are taking a huge risk. You could expose us all," he hissed at me, "What are you going to do, murder me in this car. You wouldn't stand a chance," he responded just as I pictured his lifeless body in funeral pyre.

"The only one I am risking is Nathaniel and he seems to be okay with it. Besides he doesn't know _what_ I am, just that I am somehow more than human," I attempted to defend myself. I didn't know why I tried because what difference did it make to him.

He was always so broody, always so melancholy. I shook my head from the trance I was in, realizing we were home. I paid the cab, got out the door an inhaled clean, fresh air. I could smell all the residual scents of all my neighbors, familiar to me and comforting in a way. They were all like pets to me, sure I could eat them, but who wants to eat their dog, even if they smelled delicious.

I opened the door and my whole world stood still. Nathaniel was lying on the floor, still and white. I froze for a moment, death was in the air. I was too late.


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

The next month passed quickly, Nathaniel was buried near his home. I couldn't attend his funeral; his family wouldn't know who I was. I was only his daughter on paper in Berlin; I was nothing but his deceased wife in London. Nathaniel was able to produce a death certificate for me before we left London; he held a memorial for me since there was no body found after the tragic murder. My picture was set next to his at his funeral and his was body was buried next to my empty casket in the graveyard.

I listened outside the room, some of his friends from Berlin asked about me. His family looked puzzled by the questions, but apparently not surprised. I never knew what he told his family. I had only met them at the wedding; he never let me near them again, sensing that his family may be in danger by interacting with me too frequently.

There were so many people who loved him and me by extension. I felt this overwhelming outpouring of love to these people. They left flowers and cards. I went through them after hours, breaking in silently to the funeral home. For the two days he was there I spent each night with him. If I was able to shed tears I would have filled the ocean with my uncontrolled sobbing.

One card talked about what an outstanding doctor he was, how compassionate and caring. Another talked about how there was another angel in heaven. I read all of them, hundreds lying around the room. Dry sobs came flowing from me. I cried for him, for my loss. But that wasn't the only thing I cried for, I cried for my aloneness. I cried for never having a death, or peace. I cried selfishly for hours.

I knew why he sent me away, it was worse than I thought. Death had been stalking longer than I thought, I merely had ignored it. I thought about all the times I smelled it on him, but made myself believe he was fine. He reported good health all those times to me when I prodded him on it. His friends agreed with him and I believed the lies because I needed to.

He knew he was close and he knew I would turn him just so I wouldn't be alone in the world. He never wanted it; he never wanted what I was. For as much as he loved me, he despised what I was also. For a moment I despised me, I was a monster parading around as a saint. What kind of saint kills innocent people, even if they are close to death? I was no better than those I tried to disassociate with. I put my head in my hands and for a moment allowed my feelings to overwhelm me.

The next month after that I stayed by his grave every night. I sat there in the still darkness. I had nowhere else to go but be there with him still. Siobhan tried to convince me a couple of times to move back with Tanya, but it hardly seemed like the time. I didn't want to be distracted by other men, I wanted, no I needed, to grieve.

I sat there are recounted every memory. I thought about Carlisle's pep talk before we were married. He was encouraging, but told me to very careful. He explained it would be easier for me if I lay as still as possible so I wouldn't get carried away. If I could have blushed I would have blushed. Instead I shifted uncomfortably and he chuckled a little bit.

I thought about our first night together, I did lay there as still as possible. Nathaniel thought there was something wrong with me. We started kissing, which seemed normal. But when he started to run his hands down my back I felt a fire inside of me. I longed to do the same, but scared to even begin. I stood statue still while he attempted to get me to lighten up.

It ruined everything, but we laughed about it afterward. When I explained to him how much stronger I was than him, something he grasped right away after our first meeting in the morgue, we were able to make things work out better. But we were never able to make it a passionate experience, just a companionable one. I didn't think I was capable of ecstasy, so I never thought to question our relationship. I was frozen in time, only barely mature enough for real love. We were happy for such a long time; the loneliness plagued me all over again.

With each passing night anger built inside of me as I walked past the other gravestones. Married couples lying side by side, resting forever with each other. I walked back to Nathaniel's grave and gazed at my name next to his. I "died" twenty five years ago but there was no body buried in that grave. It was all a show for his family, the explanation for why I could come around.

I thought about the mock funeral he had for me. Obviously I wasn't there, but he only had his closest family there. Four or five people, he didn't even have a minister eulogize me. There was no one there crying for me, even Nathaniel's tears were fake.

I would never have what he had. I would never rest in peace. I would forever wander the planet feeding on those less fortunate than me. I felt this explosion in my head and it consumed all of me. My muscles tightened and I crouched when I heard their voices. A couple kids, probably, walking through the graveyard to make trouble for those at peace.

I stalked behind them like a cat, my vision glowing with red and my body ready for the kill. They would not take away my peace, the only peace I would ever have. Quietly I came up behind one, and as quickly as that grabbed him before his friend noticed. By the time he was dead I was gone, flying through the night. I felt both ashamed and liberated.

I would destroy those who had so much more than me. I started frantically hunting; winding my way back to the apartment I shared with Nathaniel. I hadn't been there in months. I wasn't even sure it would still be there but I knew I wanted to destroy everyone and everything that reminded me of him.

I didn't waste time with doors, instead quietly scaled the outside of the building and slipped in through a window. My murderous rage was wearing off now that I was inside a place that held so much comfort for me.

I saw a note lying on the dining room table. I didn't have time to think about who had been in the place. Probably family members removing what they wanted. I picked up the note silently. If I could have been crying, I would have been.

I know you are scared right now. I know you are feeling very alone in the world. I promised I would always take care of you. And I have. This apartment is yours for as long as you want it. I believe in you, I believe you can be better than your monstrous side wishes you to be. I want to make your transition easier-

I stopped at his words of encouragement, I couldn't read on. The rage filled me again, but this time not toward the world, but toward myself. I had just murdered someone near his body. I had desecrated his memory, for what? Because I was having a teenage rebellion moment.

I flew out the window, not even caring if someone noticed me. I ran toward the east, not sure where I was going, but knowing I couldn't stay in Berlin. I couldn't stay where I had destroyed myself, my memory of Nathaniel. How do you even kill a vampire? I didn't know but I was going to find out.


	6. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

I kept running until I reached Siberia, the temperature so cold that it felt cold even to my icy skin. I looked around at the barrenness of the place and the wispy snow whirled around my body. I thought of how frightening I would look if anyone would come upon me. I must appear almost translucent in the cold, dark circles under black eyes. My hair was wild around me, bits of trees and mud splattered on my clothes and body.

I sat as still as I could, hoping that by not moving I would eventually turn to stone. I didn't know if a vampire could freeze, but I figured I would find out.

I didn't know if it had been days or weeks or months. I intentionally focused on old memories, trying to remember what it had been for me when I was human. When I had the whole world at my finger tips.

I had rebelled against my parents wishes. They hoped that I would marry after high school and settle down and have a family. They even had a nice young man picked out for me, Christopher Johnson. He was a very conservative gentleman who was going to be a lawyer. He came from a great political family. My own father was a lawyer, he was even thinking about running for office. That kind of match would help him.

They were grooming my younger brother, George, to follow in my father's footsteps. He was only a couple years younger than me but they doted on him like he was the only one of us who was important. I wanted more than to just be a mother and wife.

I applied to several local schools and finally settled on the University of Michigan in 1964. It was only a couple hours from my home in Detroit, but far enough away that I wouldn't have to see my parents' disappointment everyday. Christopher wasn't interested in a woman with a mind of her own and I lost contact with him.

I studied history and politics, imagining my own political career. I idolized Susan B Anthony. I marched in the civil rights movements and was an outspoken critic of Republicans. I burned bras and marched on Capitol Hill. I ran every morning, facing sexist epitaphs from campus conservatives.

When I graduated I planned to go on to law school, already having been accepted into Michigan Law. But first I longed to see the world. I didn't even say goodbye to my parents when I left. They didn't show up to my graduation so I didn't feel like I owed them anything. I paid my way through school with scholarships and working at a diner in Ann Arbor.

I had saved up enough money to fly to Europe and I figured I would backpack and stay at hostels along the way. My best girlfriend, Lisa, went with me. It was the trip of a lifetime, until we reached London. Things went horribly wrong from there on out.

Lisa had gone to take a shower and I was going through the guide book to figure out what sites we would see tomorrow. He came up so silently I didn't hear him until he was on top of me. The agony of his bite on my neck was enough to make me pass out. I vaguely saw Lisa walk back in the room at that same moment. He turned on her; I was left to writhe on the floor, burning from the inside out.

It was shortly after that Siobhan found me and removed me to some warehouse in Ireland to make the transformation. I was listed as a runaway, but after some time my parents gave up any hope of looking for me. There was no memorial service and a couple weeks later I wrote them a letter to say I was never coming home. It felt like sweet justice at the time that I would live forever and they would pass on like the wheat of the field.

Now I was horrified by the eternity that stretched before me. My parents had died several years ago. My mother went first, breast cancer and my father followed less than a year later. I read their obituary online; it was a beautiful testament to their love. No matter their faults they always loved each other.

From their perspective, I had died ten years before they did. Nathaniel had sent them a note apologizing for keeping their daughter away from them. Their obituary mentioned me briefly and focused on my brother's large family. He had five children; his oldest was twenty four, following in his brilliant footsteps at Harvard Law. It had made me sad at the time that his life was going on, and it made me infinitely desolate now as I thought about everything I had lost when I became a vampire.

Eventually my thirst became so great, I couldn't ignore it anymore. My throat, my chest, even my head seemed to burn with need. My body barely wanted to move frozen as it was. As slow as I had ever moved in my whole life, I picked myself up and attempted to run.

It took me forty minutes of barely walking before I was able to sprint again across the flat, dry spines of the tundra. I made it to the Atlas Mountains in less than a day. I stalked the first animal I found, an injured baby deer.

It was satisfying, but at least the pain in my head stopped for a moment. I sniffed the air and smelled the mountain lion that was stalking the injured deer. I turned in a split second and pounced quickly satiating myself in a moment.

I didn't stop until I returned to Berlin. Poland passed me by in a whirl, I had considered stopping by a morgue. I sniffed for the smell of death, but it didn't hold the same appeal it had before. Instead I fed on animals I found along the way, I wasn't sure if I would ever get used to the taste, but it was cleaner than drinking half dead blood. That always took its toll on me and is what is led to my purple rather than crimson eyes.

I breathed in the smell of our apartment in Berlin, what used to hold anger and sadness held relief for me instead. I had spent the whole run back thinking about Nathaniel's note. He seemed to want me to go on and that gave me strength to continue. He knew some part of him would go on forever in my very clear memory.

I opened back up the note,

I know you are scared right now. I know you are feeling very alone in the world. I promised I would always take care of you. And I have. This apartment is yours for as long as you want it. I believe in you, I believe you can be better than your monstrous side wishes you to be. I want to make your transition easier. At the bottom of the envelope is a key, it opens a lock box at Taylor Stein Bank.

I smiled and grabbed the key. I ran down to the bank and opened the lock box, there were documents stuffed in there. I pulled them out slowly, reading over each one. There was an American social security card, a birth certificate with a birthday set for April 25, 1989, a passport, a high school transcript, with perfect grades. I couldn't imagine how he had hid all of this preparation for me. I opened a folder that had bank account statements, stock notes, and an IRA, all set up for me in America. I was suddenly a very wealthy lady.

I promised to always take care of you. I took special care to set up a life for you. The younger I could create you, the easier it will be for you. There is enough money there for you to last several life times. You made all my dreams come true and now it is your turn to follow your dreams.

All my love, Nathaniel

I was quietly sobbing at the outpouring of love he was showing me. A feat he had never quite mastered in life, he conquered in death. Passion was never part of the equation. But his care for me in his final moments was enough to make me reprioritize my life. I suddenly wanted to go back to school.

I spent the next several evenings filling out applications, it was nearly September already, but I was sure I could start in the winter term. I applied to northern tier schools in America and Canada and paid whatever late fees were necessary. My fake grades were good enough to get me into anywhere. He even was able to create fake SAT scores. I felt a little guilty about it, but when I really had gone to high school; my grades were about the same. I tried to remember that as I lied on all of my applications.


	7. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

I smelled him before I heard him, few vampires came near my home, and most assuming this area was my territory. I continued packing my things for Maine. The University of Maine had accepted me almost immediately. I guess they just didn't get that kind of interest out of students with my potential. I could have been done packing a day if I wished but I longed for the human experience of moving so I took my time.

Nathaniel had been wise enough to purchase enough blood for me to last several months. There was both human and canine blood stuffed into the freezer. I guess being a doctor had some perks.

I sipped slowly from the pack of blood I had heated. Canine was not particularly tasty, but I figured it was better than reigniting whatever passion had come through before I left for Siberia. I stuffed my books into large boxes, organizing them by genre and author. I figured it would make it easier on the other side of the ocean when I unpacked.

I purchased a home, not too far away from the Cullen's' estate. It was a cute New England cottage. It was only a few miles away from Bangor and about twelve miles away from the campus. Far enough away I wouldn't have to mingle often with the co-eds. The back of the house backed up to a forest with lost of yummy animals for me to snack on. It was the perfect location but it would take a bit of work to get it fixed up nicely. With my new funds it seemed like the perfect project for all the spare time I would have.

It didn't take him long to reach my door and I yelled come in before he could knock. Edward opened the door slowly, when I looked at his face I couldn't bare the pain I saw. It reminded me too much of my own recent pain, but there was so much more there, it almost overwhelmed me and I wasn't even touching him.

Instinctively I grabbed him, hugging him with all my strength, he didn't even flinch. All his thoughts came racing toward me. I saw the attack in the house, Jasper's desperation, Bella's pain before he turned away. It overcame me like a tsunami, I released him as though if I didn't I would never let go.

"I'm sorry, I am sorry, I am sorry," I kept repeating it over and over to him. I shivered at the scene being replayed in my head.

"I couldn't even stay to watch her be stitched up. I wanted to devour her even then; after all we had been through. I was able to save her from James, but I couldn't protect her from Jasper. I failed," he continued without speaking to me directly. He seemed to need to hear the words out loud for himself.

I composed myself for a second, wanting to say something sarcastic, but not having the energy to even harass him. This was more than a teen issue, and right now he didn't appear to just be another teenage. He was in real pain, deeper than even my pain. I couldn't move, I didn't breathe. I waited for him to finish.

"I love her so much; I can't continue to be a danger to her. If something happened to her because of me or my family I couldn't go on living. She is so delicate," he chuckled pathetically at some memory of her, "how do humans survive to adulthood?"

He paused then, waiting for me to say something. Images of Nathaniel ran through my head. I envisioned him when I first saw him, a strong handsome man. I ran through the pictures over the years until his final image when I left for Alaska. He was old then, balding, his hair white as new snow, his forehead had deep creases and his skin was nearly transparent. Age spots dotted his face and hands, but even when I looked at him at that age, I only saw him young.

Edward was following my thoughts, his face lightened just briefly. Perhaps these memories were the best I could do at the moment. He nodded, "She needs to opportunity to grow old, to have children…" He trailed off at the end; I am sure running back through my images and replacing them with his own imaginings of Bella as an old woman.

"We haven't chosen an easy life. To live among humans as humans is the most difficult thing our species can do. You and I have chosen the most difficult road, that of loving them. We will always be a danger to them, whether _we_ are there or not. But lots of things are dangers to them. Cancer, car accidents, heart attacks, fires, natural disasters, even old age is a danger to them," I sighed when I said that last example. At least they get old age, the bitter side of me thought.

He nodded grimly, "I guess I was always going to lose her. It is better sooner than later," he sounded like a martyr and for a moment, the sarcasm returned to my thoughts.

"There you go with that emo stuff again, huh, kid?"

He didn't even lash back at me like normal, he just shrugged. He wasn't even going to try to smile. So smiled sheepishly, "Sorry, old habits die hard."

"I know."

"You don't seem the same. It is hard for me to even treat you like my kid brother. Who, by the way, is sixty years old today. I guess I am the kid sister now."

That seemed to bring a smile to his face for the briefest moment.

"Would you like something to drink?"

"I don't drink," he stated flatly.

"Canine or human, your choice," I said while I held up my pouch, "you look like you could use some. Those circles under your eyes look bone deep."

I threw him a pouch of canine blood. He squinted at the taste but kept swigging until it was gone.

"Where did these come from?"

"Nathaniel was looking out for me. He was stock piling them for after he died. I guess he knew eventually I would go off human blood and wanted to be prepared for both contingencies."

"Alice said she saw you," he eyed me closely. I stiffened, how much had she seen?

"Oh yea?"

"Yea, in the graveyard. Is it true?"

"Yea, it's true. When I left Siberia, you could have called," I turned it around on him quickly. I didn't to relive those horrible months.

"She thought about it, but then she saw this. We figured you might need to get through this alone. She wants to visit when you get to Maine. They are all at Cornell."

"You are all welcome any time you wish."

"So you want to continue on your own, huh?"

"It's not such a bad life after you get used to it," I replied, relieved that the conversation was taking a different direction, "I didn't have much luck living with my family. I always disappointed them so it intimidated me to stay with Tanya. I figured I could never be good enough, or vegetarian enough to satisfy them."

"You know they aren't like that," he corrected sternly, almost defensively. He seemed relieved that the conversation was moving away from more painful subjects as well. His shoulders relaxed a little, but the pain was still clear on his face.

"I know, but remember what I said about old habits? Anyway, Siobhan offered to take me in as well. But hunting people never really appealed to me, but I did feel more comfortable around Siobhan's coven than Tanya's. So I moved to London, close enough to visit, far enough away to not have to visit. I guess I made a similar choice when I went to college the first time," I winked at him. He didn't seem amused.

"Anyway, the life suited me and Nathaniel made it worthwhile. I was five vampire years old by the time I met him. No matter how much it pained me, I was always more comfortable around humans than vampires. I hated feeling like a monster; Nathaniel made me feel like an angel."

Something I said made his head jerk up and the pain burned in his eyes again. I couldn't help but think of that Martina McBride song, Concrete Angels. That is what he looked like in that moment. The song played through my head for a moment. He quickly shook his head and frowned because he hated country music.

"She always thought of me as an angel. Or a superhero," he tacked on as an afterthought, "but I am nothing more than a monster. We are all monsters."

"We are no better or worse than the humans we live around. Look around you at the hate, the violence, the enmity. We simply have different struggles against evil but that doesn't make us evil."

He buried his head in his hands again. I gently touched his hand, his emotions pouring out of him in a rush. I didn't let go, but instead watched the past nine months replay in front of my eyes. The way she looked when he grabbed her from the clutches of the out of control van, her broken body on the floor of the ballet studio in Phoenix, how beautiful she looked at Prom, and the terror on her face when he left her.

"How could she believe that I couldn't love her? I thought I would be begging for several days, I even hoped I would be. In the back of my mind I believed that if she begged me to stay I wouldn't deny her. But she didn't. That makes me the real monster."

It took me a second before I realized he didn't actually say those words, but I heard them as clearly as if he did. His thoughts were so much clearer when I touched him than when he projected them to me. I still couldn't let go even being crushed by all that emotion.

I cleared my throat trying to lighten the mood again, "You went to Prom?"

He was distracted and the image of Prom came back. I heard her tell him that she thought he would change her into a vampire. I could feel his revulsion to her inquiry as he casually passed it off. She was beautiful, I would give him that. Not beautiful in that vampire way, not a perfect specimen, but innocent, she gave off an air of unconditional trust. I realized that is what surprised him the most, how quickly she then pulled it back when she started believe he couldn't love her.

"It's gonna be alright, Edward," I told him as I pulled away. The emotions were becoming too much for my self control.

He sat there still as a statue for the rest of the night. At that moment I really wished I could sleep, because I wanted to be anywhere but in the same room as him. I put on some old Western movie, something that wouldn't remind him of Bella and sat there for the rest of the night.


	8. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

The sun was up and shining through the windows. Edward was still frozen at my table. The light was playing off his skin sending little rainbows bouncing throughout my apartment whenever the wind blew outside. The tree would shade the way the light came in just enough to keep the light dancing just a little.

"I guess we are stuck inside today," I murmured, half glancing his direction. Nothing, not even a flinch at the sound of my voice breaking the quiet.

"Edward, tell me more about her," _anything to get some life back into you, kid._

"She's my everything, my whole life. There is nothing that is more important than her. I simply don't know how I would live if she didn't go on. I had to make sure she would go on."

"I never met her, you know?"

"You didn't? I guess you are right, when would you have met her. I haven't seen you since my excursion to the Denali's. I know Tanya is still hurt over that, but I think she understands."

"Probably."

I sat down in front of my computer, quickly scanning for things to do. I couldn't sit here and watch him squirm for too much longer. I looked through the weather, it was going to be sunny across most of Europe tomorrow, but Venice would be rainy all day. Well, that probably wasn't the best place to take someone grieving over a failed romance, but it was out of this apartment.

"It is going to rain in Venice tomorrow; we can leave tonight and arrive first thing in the morning. There is so much to see there," I spoke quickly and excitedly, knowing he would see through my false pretenses toward excitement.

"Whatever."

We ran through the night, I had trouble keeping up with Edward. He was quicker than anyone I had ever seen. We made it there before dawn and sat on the steps of the Rialto Bridge to wait morning. I am sure we looked like star crossed lovers leaning into each other.

The weatherman was right, the day started out gray and rainy. We stopped in a small shop to buy a couple umbrellas. Not that the rain bothered us but we need to at least pretend it did.

We wandered around the shops; he picked out souvenirs for his family members. He found these beautiful blue glass charms for Esme, Alice and Rosalie. They cost a small fortune, well at least more than I would have thought for hand made glass. Money, however, meant little to Edward.

"I want to look at masks, I know of this great little mask shop around the corner," I dragged him along behind me. The whole time listening to him lament his love for Bella. Over and over again images flooded my mind of her face when he kissed her. I was starting to get annoyed at my thoughts being consumed by someone I didn't know. At the same time I was terrified if I let go of his hand he would disappear and the thoughts going through his head scared me for his future.

My cell phone buzzed, I ignored it. It was probably Alice again; she was becoming a pest by checking up on him. She didn't dare bother him, but she seemed to have no issue with irritating me.

I tried on a mask that was green and silver with a large peacock plume coming from the top. I tied it on my head but Edward hardly seemed amused. He immediately shifted toward the sad face. I rolled my eyes and purchased both masks for us. Maybe we could find a Masque to go to this evening.

Edward growled at me, "No, no, no!"

He bounded off toward St Mark's Square with me in hot pursuit. He wasn't running as fast as I knew he could but he was running fast enough for it to appear frightening to those few tourists who were braving the bad weather. I heard someone yell out to stop the purse snatcher assuming that Edward had stolen something from me for me to be chasing him down the way was.

We made it to the Square and he collapsed right there on his knees. It took me a second to realize he was praying. Praying for and praying to whom, I didn't want to think about. But I froze watching, once again, the pure agony in his features. I heard him mutter her name over and over again.

When he appeared about done, I walked up to him and took his hand. The searing rush of his emotions flooded into me again and without words I was able to empathize. I saw Bella for the first time the way he saw her. She was exquisite and intriguing but very fragile. I felt the anger and betrayal when Jasper tried to attack her but there was something more there. I felt the hunger in him, that monster that lurked waiting for Bella to walk down some dark alley so he could devour her.

"She is better without me. She will get married one day and have children and live her life like she should have if I wasn't there. I want there to be more 'little Bella's' running around being clumsy like her," he was talking out loud now but not to me in particular. It sounded more like he was pleading with himself.

I sunk down next to him with his hand still in mine, "Do you think she is better off with out you? I heard her plead to you to stay with her in your head as though I were there. Her pain mirrors your own pain. I swear to you, Edward, you need to return to her. For your sake and hers."

I wasn't sure he even heard me because he didn't turn to look at me. A soft melody escaped from his lips and I saw Bella's face in his head again as she watched him play his piano. I had forgotten how musical he was. The memory touched me and dredged up my pain for Nathaniel. How funny that we should walk such similar paths when I always found him annoying.

I saw him grimace at that thought. I was glad that it broke his concentration because his thoughts scattered into a million fragments. I saw the memory of him and I talking in Denali before Nathaniel died. I heard myself say to him that was just an emotional teenager. It was my turn to grimace and he smiled at the moment of discomfort he caused me.

"Edward, I'm sorry that you are going through this. I guess I had more success because I was such a loner. I gave up companionship with others of my kind so I could keep my secret away from those who would destroy me. If there is one thing I can agree with Rosalie on, and you know I don't agree with her on much, is that your love for Bella threatens your whole family. Maybe you should give Bella what she wants."

"Why didn't you make Nathaniel a vampire?" he snarled the words at me like I had burned him.

"He didn't want me to. He didn't really know what I was. He knew I was dangerous, he knew I never aged, and he knew he didn't want a part of whatever blood lust I had," I stated simply.

Edward looked thoughtful for a moment and his mind raced to images of Bella devouring humans in the streets. I let go at the picture because I couldn't handle my own blood lust for the moment. I didn't want to relive my shame for killing that person in the cemetery. Before I let go, Edward got a quick glimpse into that event.

He turned to me, "That is why I won't turn her. I don't want her to ever feel as you and I do. She has a chance at forever. The same chance you gave Nathaniel. I want her to have that. I love her so much that when death comes to her I don't want it to be the end of her."

He buried his face in his hands again but this time it looked like frustration more than agony. When he lifted his head up I saw anger instead of pain.

"I must take care of Victoria. If I am ever to be near her again I have to first make her safe," he hissed Victoria's name when he said it. I pulled up the string of memories he had shared with me and saw the red headed vampire in my mind. It brought up other memories of his that he had pushed so quickly through to me. A memory of James standing over her in the ballet studio. A battle between titans ensuing over one small girl. It all seemed overwhelming to me. For a moment I was thankful I lived such a simple life for as long as I had.

"Take her away. Live like Nathaniel and I had lived. We were happy."

And with those words, he was off. I thought about pursuing but my phone rang. It was Alice again.

"Hey Alice, he just left."

"What did you say to him that now he is tracking Victoria?"

"We talked about Nathaniel and love. He is really struggling, Alice. But for a moment today I saw determination in his features instead of pain. Maybe he will be alright."

Alice was silent for a moment. I knew she was watching the future before she spoke to me again. When she did speak all she said was, "I don't know. The future is a mess right now. But it seems like you gave him something to think about"

She hung up and I knew she was trying to get a hold of him. I called Esme and asked if it would be alright if I came by for a couple weeks after I got unpacked in Maine. She was delighted but I could still hear the hint of pain in her voice. Edward was a son to her and she was none too happy that he left her. I guess vampire mothers didn't really have to face the empty nest syndrome.

I hoped that my visit would be a bright spot her. I always liked her and even called her Auntie Esme though we were about the same age before we were turned. Her maternal instincts were much stronger than mine so I always felt younger than her. But of all the Cullens, Esme was probably the one I was closest to.


	9. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

I opened the door to the large home near Ithaca, New York. It was a white vinyl sided colonial in the hills. Much like their home in Forks, it was remodeled to have large windows on the back of the house overlooking a wide lawn and the forest behind the house. The door was a burgundy red and the shutters were hunter green. It looked like just the kind of house my parents lived in years ago, but much larger.

The door opened into a large foyer with a beautiful cream carpeted stair case. The banisters were a light oak. Everything gave the appearance of being light, both in brightness and in weight. Esme did such a wonderful job of decorating I was thinking I would hire her to do some work on my run down shack.

I was surprised that no one greeted me at the door, but I was certain they heard me quietly enter. Even if they were on the other side of the hill behind their home they probably heard me close the door. I looked around and everything appeared to be peaceful. Alice wasn't bounding at me in her normal exuberance and Emmett wasn't looking to wrestle with anyone. It just felt peaceful.

I set my bag down on the stairs and walked back to the unused kitchen. Still no one around, but when I looked out the window I saw Esme planting some tulips in her garden. She waved at me the moment I looked over at her. A human probably wouldn't have been able to see me in the dim light, but she looked truly happy that I had come to visit.

I was enjoying the view of the garden out back when she quietly moved to my side. It took her barely a second to get from her garden a hundred yards away to the kitchen.

"Getting ready for next spring?" I asked her casually. I didn't want to get into Edward just yet. They hadn't seen him in two months and I knew he was on her mind.

"They are beautiful when they come up but they only stay a short while. Sometimes I wonder why I bother," she said frowning slightly. I knew she wasn't talking about the tulips.

"You bother because you care. Because when spring time comes around again you will be happy that you cared right now," I said and put my hand on her shoulder. She responded by pulling me tight against her. Our bodies like two rocks against each other.

"It's going to be okay, you know," it wasn't a question.

"Alice doesn't seem so certain. She is always watching for him. He changes plans constantly. He is tracking Victoria right now."

"I know," I shrugged. I didn't want the worry in my eyes to show to her. It was much easier being around someone who couldn't read your thoughts.

"You aren't worried?" her eyes looked desperate for any answers I could provide. In nearly every way she was his mother. She loved him like her own. I pondered for a moment what Esme would look like with a baby in her arms. Her soft brown hair falling into the baby's face while she sang a beautiful melody. I felt a stab of pain thinking there was no future like that for any of us.

"Edward is like my kid brother. In the past year, I have seen him go from being more like a child to becoming more like a man. You can't tell me you haven't seen the changes?"

"Of course, we all have. These things don't happen often for our kind."

"He needs to do this. The safer he can feel Bella is the more chance he might have to go back to her someday."

She didn't look pleased with my response. Her forehead furrowed deeper, "Alice saw her become a vampire once. She still does," her voice trailed off to a whisper. I knew she thought by saying the words out loud it would somehow jinx them.

I hugged her again, "So what's for dinner, Auntie?"

That brought a big smile to her face. She looked out to the mountain and said, "We'll eat mountain lion in honor of Edward."

"Sounds great."

We spent some time talking and she told me about the house she was working to restore. I looked over her plans even though they didn't make sense to me. It kept her thinking about other things than Edward. She pulled out her book of swatches and asked my opinions on colors. I thought back to my beige apartment in Berlin. I was glad she had never come to visit me. She would have redecorated against my wishes.

Time seemed to move quickly and before I knew it Carlisle was returning home from teaching. His face looked grave when he walked in the door before he realized I was watching him. He shifted his glance to me and a smile washed over his face. His demeanor changed. It was all an act and once again I was glad I couldn't hear thoughts or have mine heard.

"Rory, it is so nice of you to stay with us. How long will you be here?"

"Not long. I needed a little break from working on my cottage. Christmas will be here soon enough. Are you doing anything?"

"Not this year," the frown returned to his face. I knew he was thinking about his absent family member. It put a pallor over the family. I was glad, then, that I lived alone with one human. Fewer people to disappoint when you screw up, I supposed.

"You could come to Maine. School doesn't start until January. You could be there until the New Year," I sounded more optimistic than I actually felt. I guess the emotions were wearing on my already.

Esme quickly answered, "Maybe it might be nice to see our house in Maine. I could help you redecorate."

I shrugged and the conversation moved to other things. I asked about Carlisle's jobs. He was teaching at Cornell and working nights at the hospital in Ithaca. He seemed to enjoy it and his students liked having a young professor. His youthful good looks made him appear to be one of them instead of a stoggy old doctor. I was sure there were a few girls in his class there just to admire him.

"I am working closely with a brain surgeon. I am interested in some of the procedures he is working on. This is a great opportunity to learn some new skills and I have a very steady hand," he winked when he said that. I smiled back at him and was happy for him. We were all trying to convince ourselves that the situation at hand was for the best.

"You and Esme seem to be doing well. Things are really falling into place here. Your home is gorgeous and the kids seem to be happy at Cornell?" I asked but it wasn't supposed to be a question though it sounded more like a plea.

Esme giggled at my reference to the kids. I was happy to see her smile a little bit but there was still pain in her eyes when she responded that they were doing well. I told them about starting school in a few months.

"Are you doing alright?" Carlisle asked really looking at me for the first time.

"I am doing well. It took me a little while to get my bearings after Nathaniel passed away but I know this is what he wanted. We had a happy life together and thousands of pictures to show for it. He loved me, probably more than I could ever love him. He loved me so much he made sure that I was out of the way and not tempted to turn him, he loved me so much he has provided for my needs for years to come, and he loved me so much that he left me with a lifetime of memories," I replied with just a hint of sadness in my voice.

"We were worried about you when Alice saw you out in Siberia. But she also saw your return so we knew you weren't planning on being gone forever," Esme's last words came out in more of a whisper. Talk of my absence brought on thoughts of someone else's very conspicuous absence.

"I just needed some time to think," I replied quickly, "he always believed the best about me even if he feared the worst about me. It was realizing that belief that gave me the strength to come home.

"He gave me so much more than love, he gave me my life back in losing his."

Esme hugged me and I was forced to feel her despair and loss. I pulled away and smiled. The conversation returned to stories of the other Cullen children. Alice and Jasper were attending Cornell. Alice of course was working on a degree in art, specifically in fashion design. Jasper was just taking a couple classes in history and wasn't sure what he wanted to major in. Both of them were successful in all their endeavors of course.

Rosalie and Emmett were in and out traveling across the globe on a honeymoon of sorts. It was probably best they weren't around because Rosalie's hostility toward Bella for what she had caused was giving both Carlisle and Esme a good deal of grief. They wouldn't say it but they didn't need to. I understood the situation well enough from Edward.

After we wore out every other topic besides Edward, Carlisle turned to me with a serious expression, "How was he when you last saw him?"

"Bad but getting better. When he left he looked less pained and more determined. I know you are uncomfortable with him tracking Victoria but he needs to do this. I have never known Edward to be anything less than stubborn. That's probably why I never got along so well with him," I chuckled a little bit.

"I did think it was strange that he would come to you. An irony that the one person who irritated him also is the only person he knew who lived a similar situation," Carlisle stated bluntly. I just shrugged again. I didn't beat myself up over having a frosty relationship with Edward so why should Carlisle.

"But you say he looked better?" Esme asked quickly trying to move past some unpleasantness.

"I didn't say that, just more determined. Esme, if he goes back to her, I am not sure he is coming back to you. I was successful only because I was alone. It was only my own exposure I was risking not my whole family."

If she could have swallowed hard at that moment she would have. Her face sort of froze in disbelief. I don't think anyone had considered the possibility that he would take her away. Well, maybe Alice had, but only if Edward was considering it and I was certain her was.

Carlisle was looking hard at me again. I felt a little bit more uncomfortable this time.

"Do you think I am the reason for this, Carlisle? I am feeling a little bit of hostility from you."

"No, no of course not. I'm sorry, I think we are all looking for someone to blame for our situation at the moment and the only one we can isn't here right now. It is unfair of me to give you the impression that you are at fault for anything that has happened. I know you tried to be a good friend to him. I'm sorry," he shook his head when he spoke.

I took his hand in mine and felt a rush of sadness coming off of him. I tried to counter by pushing back some calmness but I realized I didn't really feel that way at all. All I was going to do was magnify his grief.

I pulled my hand away and quickly said, "He'll be back. I'm sure of it," I tried to sound as confident as possible.

Esme, as always trying to be motherly, suggested that we all go for a hunt. Alice and Jasper came from somewhere upstairs even though the words weren't louder than a murmur. I hugged both Alice and Jasper quickly and knew immediately that they had been listening in on the whole conversation.

Alice hugged me so tight I thought I might break in half. I felt a flush of gratitude and love toward me and tried to push some of it back to her. Alice and I weren't really close, but I knew she was very close to Edward and his excursion to see me had hurt her. She was happy, though, to hear that things may be improving.

We sprinted toward the forest. For once I was happy to be moving so quickly. I spent too much time around humans and not enough time being free to be me. It felt good to hunt with family and it seemed I brought them a small amount of joy in return.


	10. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

Esme came with me to Maine to help me set up my little home. It was modest compared to the houses they tended to live in but I was all alone. It seemed quaint and comfortable. The house was built sometime in the late eighteenth century of field stones. It had one large room downstairs and a loft that had been turned into a bedroom upstairs. There was a small bathroom toward the back of the house that had been added on at some point when they ran running water to the house.

The poor sales lady worried that I wouldn't like how small the bathroom was with just a toilet, shower and pedestal sink, insisting that I could always expand the bathroom. I couldn't help but grin and tried to explain to her that I wasn't a very luxurious person and this would suit my needs just fine.

I rented the apartment in Germany to a nice family of Pakistanis that had recently emigrated. They wouldn't speak with me and only worked through a real estate agent to handle the transactions. The real estate agent was embarrassed but I assured him that I wasn't offended and it wouldn't be a problem for future dealings since I was working through an agency. I rented the apartment furnished, to which they seemed even more grateful, at least my agent gave me that impression.

Esme of course went a little nuts with the redecorating. There was a subtle nautical theme to the whole home that reminded me of the ocean but didn't seem garish in any way. She set up a small area to relax with a beautiful flat screen television, complements of the Cullen family. There was a small table near the kitchen which would serve both as a work space for school and a human prop.

Upstairs my bedroom reminded me of Britain. The whole room had a hint of the Victorian that Nathaniel loved so well. Again, Esme was subtle with the colors and scheme making you think of Victorian ages past while not overwhelming you theme. It felt homey and cozy. I had a day bed in the corner that would give the impression to any visitors that I slept regularly while providing me with a space to read and think.

I had purchased a sound system that could fill the room with music and make you believe you were at the concert. It was nice to have a house so far away from the city so the noise wouldn't disturb the neighbors. Even with acute hearing, loud music was always exciting. There was no fear that out here I would face any neighbors unless they were invited.

"It seems weird to be going back to school after all this time," I mused, looking out the window toward the great forest behind my home. Esme was working on her laptop on some new project she was designing.

"Have you decided what you want to study?"

"I was thinking about studying art. I am going back to school more for my enjoyment that any desire to change the world. I want to enjoy college this time around."

"You didn't enjoy it the first time?" Esme questioned and glanced up from her laptop. She sounded a little on the surprised side.

"I was angry back then, burning my bra, marching on Washington. The world felt so wrong and the government so corrupt. I went to school with ideas of grandeur. I left school feeling dissatisfied and disappointed. The real world still barely recognized women and my degree meant nothing.

"That's why I went to Europe, you know?"

"No, I didn't know."

"I wanted to get away from the marches and the politics and clear my head. Europe seemed placid compared to the chaos that seemed to fill the American streets."

Esme continued typing while she listened. Vampires are uniquely adept at multitasking. Even without comment I knew she was taking the whole story in.

"Anyway, now I realize that so much of that doesn't even matter. I want to study something that thrills me as art always did. Maybe I will become a great painter," the end of my sentenced trailed off as I pictured a new life and a new world.

Esme's phone buzzed quietly in her pocket. I could hear Carlisle's voice on the other end. He called rather frequently or maybe time just passed more quickly for me than I realized. Their love was so pure and honest, I envied them. I heard him give her a run down on his day at the hospital, Alice and Jasper's adventures in tracking down her family, and Rosalie's new hostility toward Edward's disappearance.

Edward seemed to be a never ending sore spot in Rosalie's life. I shook my head. Rosalie was never someone I would ever come to understand. Her life, that seemed so shallow, was so complicated by the emotions of all the people who surrounded her. She seemed to find drama in every situation that didn't make her the center of attention. Carlisle's voice sounded strain as her recounted her anger over the note he recently sent. He seemed exasperated by her behavior.

Esme seemed equally frustrated and offered motherly explanations and advice to handle the situation delicately. The love she felt for all her children was touching. From the look on her face the frustration wasn't with Rosalie alone. Edward had moved on from wherever he was hiding and Esme was worried about his emotional state. I wondered how difficult it must be to be a mother, to love your children as much as you love yourself, and to watch them leave you. Despite the fact that Esme wasn't truly their mother she loved them just as dearly and Edward had been a source of pain for so long she carried her love like a burden.

"I love you, too," she practically sang into the phone, her voice lightening a bit. The phone clicked shut and she went back to typing. She knew I could hear every word and figured if I had a question I would simply ask.

"You miss them," I said, it wasn't a question.

She looked toward me a second and a flash of pain moved across her face, "Of course, but they seem to be fine without me. Besides, I have greatly enjoyed my time with you. I really think you will find some joy in this sanctuary and we will only be a short jog away."

I timed the run once, it would take me about two hours run to get from Maine to New York with nothing on my back. I could visit every weekend if I wanted and I could tell from the look on Esme's face, that is what she wanted. I think, after the two weeks we had spent together, she had adopted me, too.

"Sure, I can come visit next weekend if you want," I offered genuinely. But she shook her head in response.

"You will be just settling in to school. Maybe you will even make some friends," when she spoke her voice sounded strained. _We_ usually didn't make friends with the local populace but I could tell she didn't like it that I was all alone. Of course the refernce only reminded her of her missing son, the one who had fallen in love with human.

"Well it wouldn't be the first time, I suppose," I added cheerfully. My record within the human populace seemed to be a little bit better. I was more comfortable than even the Cullens were behaving human. When your husband was a human you begin to imitate their every move. Few people questioned that I was his daughter in the later years because I had adopted so many of his mannerisms.

"I just want you to be happy. You are happy?"

"Happier than I have been in a long time. I didn't realize how long I had been watching Nathaniel deteriorate and what a drain it had been on me. I was living in such denial it seemed my whole life was a little off balance. He wants me to be happy, he helped me create this."

She smiled genuinely at me but her anguish could not be overcome by my new found happiness. She desperately wanted her son back.

"We are going to visit Tanya, soon. Maybe you should come along?"

"Are you hoping that Edward will come with you?" I asked reading through the unsaid words. Tanya's crush on Edward went on unabated but I knew it wasn't enough to lure Edward back to the family. It was just a testament to Esme's feelings to try something so unlike Edward.

"I know it probably won't work but it is worth a try. What about you? Do you think he might be willing to come visit you if someone suggested it?"

"I doubt it. We have never gotten along well."

"It seemed to help him when he visited you in Europe?"

"Not really. Whatever I said was what set him on this wild goose chase across the country. I can't imagine any further advice from my part will help him reign in his feelings," I said shaking my head. I felt so much compassion for her. I would never know what it was like to lose a child in such a painful way. To know they are close but want nothing to do with you would be excruciating. In some ways, she blamed herself. She believed her love was not enough and if it had been he would have stayed.

"Well maybe I will suggest it anyway. If I get the chance to talk to him," she added softly as an after thought.

She got up from the table and began to pack her things. I knew she would leave late in the night to drive straight through to New York. There wasn't much left to do here and the idleness was making her upset. She had another project going on in New York City. She had begun to restore a nineteenth century apartment complex on the Upper East Side. Getting lost in her work would be the best way for her to control the overwhelming feelings.

I plopped in front of my brand new television and flipped quickly through the channels. I stopped on a news channel briefly when I heard mention of Forks. Apparently some sort of giant animal was attacking people in the area. Well, at least we could count on it not being anything supernatural.


	11. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

The weeks were beginning to pass like a blur. I was well settled into school and had made a few tentative friends. My pale skin and shiny teeth were off-putting but I attempted to blend in as much as possible. That even included wearing make-up. It didn't sit quite right on my skin and the venom would dissolve it after a couple hours but at least I didn't sparkle on a regular basis.

Most of the kids going to school with me just thought I had some sort of make up obsession like Tammy Faye Baker. I figured it was better to let them think that than to draw attention to my true differences.

I also made every effort to eat in front of my "friends." When I would go to parties with Nathaniel I had learned to eat and pretend to enjoy the cuisine being served. He helped me place tastes and compliments. Now I had to work off old memories but fortunately cafeteria food was dull for even those with discerning taste.

I would make the trip to the bathroom one of the school buildings and relieve myself of the heavy feeling in my stomach. While there I would replace my make-up and comb through my hair. I seemed like the typical college woman: overly obsessed with appearances with an eating disorder to boot. I couldn't help but laugh cynically at myself for fitting in so well with such problematic behavior.

I sat next to a nice, shy girl, Lily, in my art history class. There weren't any other seats available when she transferred into the class and I could tell she wasn't overly comfortable sitting next to me. I made every effort to be nice back to her and she was slowly coming around.

"Hey Lily!" I called when she walked into the room. We had a few minutes before whatever grad student they had conned into teaching the class this week walked in. It was hard for me to pay attention to some of these teaching assistants with so much less world experience than me.

She looked down immediately but I kept talking, "So what are your plans for the weekend?"

Forced to answer my question out of sheer kindness she said, "I don't really have any plans. I was just going to study for my biology test this week."

"You want to catch a movie tonight? I have been dying to see the new Bond flick."

"Well, maybe, do you think we could earlier than later? I really need to study."

"It's Friday night," I laughed softly, "you have all weekend to study. You need a break."

I didn't need to touch her hand to see that something was stressing her out big time. I felt some sort of kinship with her. She always seemed an outsider with few friends. She was emaciated and pale and if she sparkled I would believe her to be one of us. But really she just looked sick but sick at heart or sick of body I couldn't tell. Unlocking some of these mysteries gave some small meaning to my life.

She didn't seem too amused by my teasing but was too kind to say no. I told her I would swing by her dorm room at five to pick her up for the movie. She nodded and I let the subject drop for the rest of this very long boring class.

The movie was as great as I expected it to be. Action and adventure, great love and great loss were always attractive to me. It helped me feel more human to get lost in their emotions, particularly on the screen.

Lily seemed less impressed by the movie than I did but her mood was lightened slightly. It was dinner time and I insisted on taking her to dinner. When she passed on the offer I pressed a little further using chocolate as motivation. Even when I was human I never saw the draw to chocolate but I knew lots of women who spoke of nothing else.

It seemed to work and we ended up a little bakery near campus. I ordered something over the top chocolate while she ordered a cookie. I made note that an eating disorder may be some of the problem. She picked slowly at the cookie without saying anything.

I attempted to devour my chocolate gooey mess but it was difficult to keep up the pretenses when there was so much of it. It all tasted exactly like cardboard and stuck to the roof of my mouth in a very unappealing way. How did the average person stand to eat this stuff?

When she finished we left and I took her home. It was disappointing to get so little out of her but at least I felt I brightened her weekend somewhat. She smiled a little and said thank you when we left. It was the first smile I had ever seen out of her. I made a mental note to invite her out again sometime.

As I drove home I thought about all the time I had spent with other humans and how little I still understood them. My closeness to death had shown me their extreme vulnerability both physically and emotionally. Yet I still couldn't fathom their behaviors. Lily, for example, a sweet, pretty girl, who didn't seem to notice the stares I caught of the other young men in the class. She found no joy in life but seemed to find security there. It was such a puzzle to me that analyzing her behavior tonight became my focus so much so that I didn't notice the other car in my drive way until I had turned mine off.

A shiny silver Volvo sat in my driveway. The owner of said Volvo seemed no where to be found. Why on earth did he have to come here?

I walked in the door to my house knowing he would be lounging on my sofa. Breaking and entering seemed to be a skill of his and my house wasn't exactly Fort Knox.

He was flipping through the channels quickly, his face totally blank. Wherever he was it wasn't in this house at the moment.

I set my books down heavily on the table though I knew he heard my car drive up from my miles away. It didn't seem to distract him and I just rolled my eyes and thought that another Edward episode was coming my way.

Is it just because I have empathic abilities that you continue to hound me with your angst or do you really just enjoy my company?" I asked cynically.

He glanced over at me without even acknowledging my question, so I started again, "Did you have any luck finding her?"

"I got as far as Florida before I realized I had followed a false lead. I found another lead that took me out this way so I thought I would call on you."

"How very thoughtful of you," I muttered under my breath. I went to change into my sweats with plans on going hunting before I sat down to work on my homework. With so much free time on my hands there was no reason to skip assignments as I had the first time I went to college.

He was standing before me in an instant with restraining me with his hand. Immediately flashes of memories were flooding me. I winced and pulled away, "I am not some sort of garbage bin for your unwanted memories," I hissed.

"You remind me of her sometimes. You are stronger, though, more determined and not clumsy. But your look and your heart, before anything else you are good."

I took a step back and he took a step closer. I couldn't fathom where this was going so I leapt straight up the stairs opened the window in the same movement and was flying across the ground.

He was faster than me.

Standing before me again his hands were on my shoulders. His memories of her started flooding through my mind. They were so powerful that even with all the extra space they filled my head. Memory after memory of how she looked when he stopped the car, when they first kissed, prom, were flying their way through my head. With each revolution my memory was being replaced.

I couldn't even scream or push him away. I didn't want to. His mouth was on mine, hard and demanding. I felt myself give into him. I wrapped my arms around him just as I saw Bella do with my fingers pulling through his hair. He wasn't delicate with me, he didn't have to be.

"Bella, you have no idea how much I love you," he moaned into my neck. I didn't even notice that I wasn't Bella.

A moan escaped my lips. He lifted me into his arms and jumped straight up into the crook of the tree. He sat me on his lap and continued to kiss my lips, my nose, and my neck. His hands were tentatively feeling under my shirt and across my stomach. They felt smooth as silk.

It was never like this with Nathaniel. I, too, had to be careful. I never moved much but his touch was rough and warm. Nothing like what I was experiencing right now with Edward. Edward's desire nearly consumed me. Bella's name was on his lips and I couldn't remember that I wasn't Bella.

But it was the memory of Nathaniel that brought me back to myself. In the same instant I hissed loudly and kicked away from him. I felt violated, not physically but emotionally.

"If you ever so much as touch me again, I swear to you that I will rip your head off and bury your ashes where no one will ever find you," I hissed angrily.

He didn't respond but looked down. My pulse was racing and even through the anger my desire was still there. I saw it reflected in his eyes as he moved toward me again.

"If I could love you?" he asked but the words trailed off toward the end. We both knew he could never love me. A wave of compassion drifted over me, replacing the anger.

"You can't love me. I think you should go," I stated plainly.

He jumped down from the tree to me on the ground, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have. I don't have the strength anymore. I thought maybe I could find some peace in you like in Venice. I didn't think it would go this far."

"Maybe you should just go back to her," I said as he disappeared.

The memory of his touch was still vivid on my skin and probably would be for the remainder of my existence. It was a weird sensation to have believed yourself, for a moment, to be someone totally different. I touched my lips remembering the passion of the moment and left to hunt something large that I could fight.


	12. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

It was juvenile but I was avoiding them. Esme, who seemed to have a second sight when it came to her "children," was hounding me with phone calls and text messages. I didn't want to remember Edward. It had been a month since he had shown himself here but the memories remained. Curse our vampire minds that retain every memory with alacrity.

Recently, I had begun to have waking nightmares where I was running through the forest with giant wolves following me. In them I was desperately searching for Edward and the protection of his cool embrace. I would be sitting in class half listening to the lecture when these pictures would flood my mind. One time Lily grabbed my arm to pull me out of it.

"Are you alright? You were staring off into space, so still that if you hadn't been quietly groaning I would have thought you died there in your seat. Your eyes were open but it was like you were asleep," she said frantically.

"I'm alright, just a little shaken. I must have fallen asleep with my eyes open," I lied casually. That was more plausible than having visions of being somewhere else with an enormous pack of wolves on your tail. I shivered involuntarily at the thought.

Whatever Edward had done to me, the effects were lasting. I considered seeking him out but I didn't want to bring up these feelings in me again. The memories had filled me confusion about who I was. Thinking about them made me feel ill, if that is even possible for a vampire. My mind would swirl with memories of them and me.

I heard my phone buzz for the tenth time today. I looked down to see it was Alice. I didn't bother answering it. She called it several more times but I ignored it. They were part of the problem. If they wanted to find Edward, they could do it on their own.

Class droned on for another hour or so with my phone buzzing occasionally with either Rosalie or Alice showing up on caller ID. I think I had about twenty six messages by the end of the day. I hit the delete key without listening to them.

At home I sat on the computer and planned out my upcoming trip to South America. I had talked Lily into traveling with me on a whirlwind tour of the major hot spots in Brazil, Venezuela, and Chile. She had resisted at first saying she didn't have any money but I promised her I would take care of it.

I told her my father had left me quite a bit of money when he passed away and would want me to use it to see the world. I convinced her with the line that 'what good is seeing the world if you have no one to share it with.' She perked up a little bit and our friendship was blossoming.

Through weeks of effort I found out she was the only child of a wealthy investment banker. Her parents were divorced and her step mother, nearly her age, drove her to madness with her constant complaints. Her mother had disappeared some years back, claiming that she didn't have the means to care for her only daughter. Between the criticisms from her step mother and the disappearance of her mother, it made sense that she would be so introverted.

One of her step mother's major issues was with Lily's weight. She was never thin enough for her standards. I couldn't exactly tell what her problem was because Lily was overly thin, the cheek bones in her face stuck out and her eyes looked sunken. When I saw a picture of her step mother I could see the beginnings of a small bulge around her waistline and realized it was just jealousy that drove her step mother to cruelty but that would hardly comfort Lily.

Instead I spent the month dragging her to every restaurant I knew trying to get her to eat. I had never consumed so much human food in my whole life. I couldn't help but think of the waste that it was with all the food ending up in the toilet. It was uncomfortable, too, because I couldn't relieve myself until after I left Lily for the night. The last thing I wanted was to be a role model for bulimia.

The trip would take us through Rio, Sao Paulo, Caracas, and Santiago. We would have tours through each of the cities with side trips to see the indigenous culture. I could hardly wait for June to come. I imagined all the Latino men with their dark skin and eyes and tried to replace Edward with images I found on the various websites.

It was still two months away before my mind drifted into another vision. A vision appeared of a country side flying by. It was beautiful and green and reminded me of several trips through Tuscany with Nathaniel. The vision disappeared quickly and my thoughts resumed.

I spent the rest of the evening completing my final paper for my art history class. It was rather dull but cogent. I knew I would get an excellent grade on the paper seeing as how I had put every night for the past four weeks into it. I could hardly imagine another student investing anywhere near that much time.

I flipped through my pages quickly checking for any errors, of course there were none but it didn't feel right to not proof read. While flipping another vision hit me, dark this time. It felt cool to my skin which was interesting since I cold didn't really register with my icy body. I would have enjoyed the sensation if it weren't for the feeling of fear that also crept upon me. The vision dissipated like mist in the sun.

I jumped up and groped through my back pack for my cell phone. I started going through the hundred text messages that were stored on my phone. Good thing I got that extra memory.

The first message was all I needed to see, "going to Italy, Edward in trouble." I froze thinking through everything. Were these visions somehow connected to the trouble Edward was in? Did I now have some link to Edward? It was possible since we both had some telepathic abilities. My ability to control emotions wasn't physical but rather mental and Edward could read minds. Perhaps whatever he had done had linked us together.

I dialed Carlisle's number but he didn't pick up. I supposed they were panicking like I was panicking. I dialed Esme's number and she didn't pick up. Finally after dialing through everyone else, I dialed Rosalie's number. If my relationship with Edward was uneasy, my relationship with Rosalie was frigid. Other women tended to be a threat to her.

"What is it?" Rosalie's voice snapped at me on the other end.

"Where's Edward? Why is he in Italy," I questioned.

"What do you care, it isn't like you have picked up your damn phone in the past few weeks. Don't pretend to care now," she practically shouted back into the phone. I nearly hung up but I needed to know what is going on.

"Where are you?"

"We are in Alaska at the airport to head back to Forks. Someone is going to have to deal with this mess."

"Is Tanya there?"

"Yes."

"Can I talk to her?"

"No."

"I don't feel like playing twenty questions with you, Rosalie. Hand the fricken phone over to someone who is willing to talk to me."

I heard Emmett's voice in the back ground ordering her to hand the phone to Tanya. She growled back at him but I heard Tanya's breathing move closer to the phone receiver and I sighed in relief.

"Tanya, what is going on? Where are Carlisle and Esme?"

"Carlisle and Esme left to go back to New York before returning to Forks. Edward thought Bella was dead and went to have the Volturi annihilate him," she explained. She was trying to sound calm but I knew her feelings ran rather deep and her emotion was just barely beneath the surface.

"Carlisle has asked that you not come to Forks. He doesn't want to complicate matters more than they already appear to be," she went on. I couldn't help but wonder if she took a little pleasure in relaying that information. But I brushed off any jealousy because she wouldn't be traveling to Forks either.

"Does he know? About what happened, I mean?"

"What do you mean, what happened?"

"With Edward when he came to visit me. Why does everyone need to play twenty questions?" I was shouting now.

"What happened between you and Edward?" her voice became strained. I had brushed off any jealousy but the color green swam through my mind as she talked. It was one thing for him to fall in love with a human but with me; I don't think she could live with that.

"It was nothing. He just did something to me where I have visions now."

Her voice eased, "I suppose he must have told Carlisle because Carlisle specifically told us to tell you to stay away until this is all sorted out."

She promised to call me soon with more information. I hung up the phone and thought of that last night with Edward. Perhaps there was some part of me that was hoping it was me he would come back to. I sank back into my sofa, frozen until dawn the next day.


	13. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

The sun was rising and Lily was still asleep in the other bed so I rose silently and closed the curtains. She would probably freak if she saw the sparkles bouncing on the walls off my skin. I was careful to pack light gauzy fabrics and large brimmed hats for our trip. I took the time each day to apply the makeup I usually wore at school and so I continued to fit in as a college student on summer break.

I had gotten word from the Carlisle that Bella and Edward were to be married in August and that he would really like it if I would come. There were warnings behind the words as gracious as they were: don't come if you are going to make a scene.

I laughed bitterly at the memory of the phone call. Esme quickly took the phone away from him and assured me that they all were thinking about me and worried about me. She was begging me to spend the rest of my summer break with them in Forks. It was a tempting offer. Some part of me longed to be close to Edward.

A few minutes after I closed the curtains Lily began to wake so I pretended like I was still asleep. The nights were not easy. I began to feel stir crazy in our little room. Some nights when her breathing was smooth and easy I would slip out of the room. I would spend most of the night in one of the many night clubs in Rio. It was easy to get caught up in the party atmosphere. The men all smelled delicious and the burning was a powerful distraction from the longing for another man.

Other nights I would take off to the wilderness to hunt. It helped me feel alive to be out of the dirty air of the city. The clean smell of the rain forests was so much more vibrant than that of anywhere up north. I tried to be careful not to take too many endangered animals and settle for some of the smaller fauna of the forests. The tastes were so unique that although not filling I enjoyed the variety.

Lily walked to the bathroom and I pretended to wake with the thunk of the bathroom door. I picked up my book, some murder mystery novel I bought at the airport.

"What do you want to go see today?" Lily called from the bathroom when she heard me rustling around.

"I was thinking that we should go to that park, Bosque da Barra. It is supposed to be beautiful. We could go for walk around the trails. It might clear my head a little."

"That sounds fun. I was thinking also of trying, and I emphasize the word trying, to get a tan. Do you maybe want to go to the beach?"

"Not really, but I don't want to keep you from going. We can go see the park any other day. I will hang out here and read. Go have fun, maybe you will meet some cute boy," I tried to encourage her. She wasn't one for venturing out on her own but there was no way I could spend any time in bathing suit on the beach. I simply didn't have enough make up for that.

"Are you sure you don't want to come with me?"

"I guess I never told you about my bout with skin cancer," I lied smoothly, "it wasn't a big deal but I don't want to risk it again. Some people are just more susceptible and I am one of them."

She eyed me closely but accepted my story. A short time later she was in her bikini and ready to go to the beach. She was quite pretty and had put on some weight recently so she didn't look quite so shrunken. Though down here, she fitted in quite well with all the rest of the anorexic models that seemed to flock here. She would be a smash hit at the beach.

I waited about a half hour after she left before I went to do some exploring of my own. I considered actually going to the park or even heading out toward the wilderness but in the end I decided to just keep to the hotel. It was a beautiful place with several fine dining establishments, a spa, a salon, and several upper end fashion stores.

I glanced in the window of one of the shops; the dresses were to die for. They had short and long skirts and satiny shirts. If my mouth could have watered it would have. I took a few photos of a couple pieces and sent them to Alice.

I went back to the lobby to wait her decision on the pieces that would fit best onto my shape and size. She would plug the photos into her computer back at home and run them through her program analyzing them next to a couple pictures she had stored of me. Except for jeans and t-shirts, I never made a fashion decision without first consulting her.

Minutes ticked by with no response which made me feel a little uneasy. There was rarely a time when she wouldn't have first known I was about to make a fashion decision and then put all her effort into giving me the best advice. Maybe they were still in school, no I knew they weren't, they had just graduated a few days ago. Plus it was a weekend, so no school anyway.

I consoled myself with thinking perhaps they were out hunting. Alice usually still had her cell on her but maybe she decided not to bring it. Maybe she was out with Jasper. Plausible excuses ran through my mind but nothing seemed to quell the uneasy feeling that was becoming stronger with each passing minute.

"Good morning, miss," A voice spoke down to me. I glanced up a handsome young man looking down at me. Obvious confidence radiating out of him, women tended not to turn him down. And why would they, he was quite attractive, even for a human.

"Hi," I wasn't much in the mood for conversation and tried to convey that with my voice.

He didn't pick that up. He sat down in the chair next to me and proceeded on with mindless jabber, "What are you doing inside on such a beautiful day?"

"My friend went to the beach and I wasn't feeling good. I am attempting to get a hold of another friend back home. She is good with fashion and I want her opinions on some of the outfits in the store over there," I said pointing toward it. Talking to him made the worry fade a little bit and telling the truth was easier than telling a lie.

"Would you show me which outfits, perhaps I could make a determination for you. I wouldn't say I am a connoisseur of fashion but I think I have relatively good taste," he laughed a little bit while he spoke. I couldn't help but smile, he seemed so genuine. I wanted to touch his hand to gage the feelings behind the words but I was afraid my icy touch might startle him. It was far too warm, even in the hotel, to have cold hands.

"Alright," I said as I got up headed toward the store. He followed quietly behind me. I wanted to like him, I really did. In some small way he reminded me of Edward. I guess the look about him. A chiseled jaw line and sandy colored hair. His eyes were a deep blue that reeled me in to him. I could see now why any human woman would fall for him. His looks were striking even with me being able to see the tiny flaws in his stubble, or the shallow scar on his left cheek.

I grabbed a couple outfits of various shapes and colors and went to the changing room. I had to admit I was excited about this kind of intimate attention. It made me remember, it a happy nostalgic kind of way, the attention Nathaniel used to show me. He was always interested in my every move; he lovingly gazed at me as I moved silently through the house. He thought I should become a dancer with the kind of grace that I had.

Now there was a different man with the same kind of curiosity about me that Nathaniel once had. I tried not to think about the more monstrous parts of me. I had lived among humans as a human so long that why should he be afraid of me.

I stepped out of the changing room and I heard his breath stop for just a moment, his heart rate accelerated, and my throat was burning. I could remember feeling that way with Nathaniel; I associated the burning with love, the pain with pleasure. And I was feeling pleasure right now as he eyed me. The dress was a slight purple thing that hung appealingly on my hips.

"You are quite striking," he said and it didn't take me to read his feelings to know he regretted opening up to me. I got the feeling he was used to having the power in relationships.

"You should definitely get that."

"I guess I will," I said as I tried to remember gestures human women make to attract themselves to men. I flipped my hand coyly through my hair and heard his heart race again.

I was enjoying my revelry when I had another vision. I was suddenly chilled to the bone. It was so cold, I was so cold. My teeth were chattering.

The young man with me was obviously frightened and touched my arm, "You are like ice. What happened to you?"

His emotions flooded into me in the half second he touched me. He was concerned, a little afraid of me, definitely interested in me, but mostly confused. I was happy that I was able to get a reading on his true feelings for me. He again reminded me of Nathaniel. Those feelings were much the same as he felt when he first saw me, well he was much more afraid, but definitely interested.

My eyes snapped back to reality and I looked at him and put my hand to my head, "I had a head rush and then the chills. I must be sick."

"I hope it wasn't me," he laughed nervously.

"I am sure it wasn't. I felt it coming on a few days ago but it seems to be getting worse now. I guess I am glad I didn't go to the beach. I may have passed out.

"You know I didn't get your name," I said trying to change the subject.

"Roan Williams."

"Nice to meet you Roan, I am Rory. Rory Cullen. What do you do, Roan?" I enjoyed just saying the name.

"I am a small time actor," he replied. Well that explained a lot. He was used to a certain amount of attention, "I have had some small parts in a couple larger movies but mostly I enjoy doing independent films," he added shyly. I guess he was worried I wouldn't be impressed, but I was.

"That sounds wonderful. I am in college up in Maine. I, too, am an artist. I haven't had any shows or anything but I am hopeful. I love to paint with oils."

His interest was definitely piqued but then I remembered I was supposed to be sick, "I need to get going, I think I feel another wave of whatever hit me before. I will be here for another few days maybe we can meet again."

"I am leaving tomorrow, but here is my phone number. I live in New York. Maybe we can meet there for a show."

I smiled at him, went and paid for the dress, not even taking it off, and ran to my room. I would definitely be calling him.


	14. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I couldn't call him. It depressed me the whole rest of the trip. Nathaniel had some inkling of what I was, though he never put it into words. This man didn't have a clue, didn't know how dangerous I could be, and I doubted he would be intrigued by oddities. He was your prototypical pretty boy. Instead, I found myself irritated with my thoughts on him, my comparisons to Nathaniel and Edward, and how much I really did want to see him again. Something small had clicked between us but maybe that was just my loneliness talking.

I was finally able to get a hold of Alice. Apparently there had been some scuffle between that vampire Edward was hunting and the Cullen family. She quickly tried to relate the scene with the newborn vampires and the wolves, how close it had come with Edward and Victoria. I asked them why they didn't call to let me know, I would have come home. She said they were about to but the wolves had stepped in, helping to even out the numbers. Something about the wolves was nagging at my mind after I hung up the phone but I had other concerns on my mind.

Alice shared Edward's news of his engagement to Bella and invited me to the wedding in August. I felt the sharp pain of jealousy mixed with a great happiness. It was as hard for me not to be happy for them since I knew, first hand, how right they were together, as hard as it was for me to not be jealous.

The rest of the trip went smoothly. Lily had the time of her life and seemed to gain confidence by all the positive attention she received. I did notice a definite change in her attitude toward me. She seemed more suspicious of my strange behavior at times particularly after she woke up in the middle of the night to find me absent. She went looking for me, fearing the worst, checking all the local hot spots. I had a hard time covering that up when I came back with leaves in my hair.

Like Nathaniel, she didn't seem to want to pry too deeply which I appreciated but she did regard me less as a human. I was dreading the plane ride back because I was afraid questions would come up. I was so used to being around humans but I wasn't able to perfectly cover up my oddities as I thought.

Able to resist the temptations of humans, I tried to breathe easy after I got on the plane. My throat burned but sitting too still would almost further her questions. I turned on the air immediately for some relief but re-filtered air tasted disgusting in my mouth. Hopefully she would fall asleep quickly, she didn't.

"What were you doing the other night?" she asked me pointedly. I hadn't ever heard her use such a harsh tone. I felt it a little ironic that I helped her gain this confidence but I was also the first victim.

"I went to the park. I needed fresh air," I lied as casually as I could.

"There is something different about you. I mean, I knew you were always a little bit of an outsider before, but this is more. Don't lie to me, I know it is true. Did you ever sleep?"

My throat tightened a little. How had she come so close to the truth?

"Is different a bad thing?" I asked cautiously. She was different, too. I hoped to capitalize on that vulnerability. It was painful to do after I worked so hard to build her up.

"Well, no," she replied equally as cautiously. She saw where I was taking this and it was away from the truth.

"It's just, you didn't seem to sleep at all while we were there, you never came out in the sun, and you ate hardly anything. And the one time you did I followed you into the bathroom, you barfed it all up. After all the lectures you have given me about eating disorders…" her voice trailed off. I was hoping this would be enough explanation for her.

"I do have a problem. I am sorry I never told you. It is easier for me to help others than myself. I would go running at night while you slept and sleep during much of the day. I didn't want you to know what a struggle it was for me, particularly because it was so easy for you to overcome."

She seemed to buy this logic because she could relate the experience to her own experience. I felt myself relax in relief. Explaining I was a vampire could cause serious issues in our relationship and put her life in jeopardy. I decided, at that moment, that I had a wedding to attend. I needed to put some distance between Lily and I. If she didn't see me everyday she may be able to reconcile what I tell her and what she wants to believe.

She fell asleep shortly after that, content with the secret I had let her on. Humans were all the same; when they felt like they were in on something it made them feel special and important. And then to juxtapose my supposed experience against hers only made it easier for her to swallow.

I looked at my cold, hard hand, imagining for a moment it was warm to the touch. There would be no secrets behind that hand. I longed greatly for a friend who could know the real me.

I was gazing out the window of the plane, focusing on the cars below as we landed in Bangor. I watched the people's expressions as the moved through rush hour traffic, the details of their face as clear to me as if I was in the car with them and not five thousand feet about the ground.

It hit me then, the wolves, they were in my vision. A pack of changeling wolves were in that vision. Perhaps it wasn't Edward I was having visions of but Bella.


	15. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

Lily stopped speaking to me after I arrived home in Maine. I expected as much and was more than just a little relieved that she resented me. I didn't want her poking around too much. I took too many risks with her. My life with Nathaniel made me complacent and it made me think I blended in better than I actually did. The reality was that I blended in well with him _because_ I was with him. He was well respected and he hid my secret.

I passed the time before the wedding feeling sorry for myself. Between Lily and Edward, I decided I had much to feel bad about. Esme and Alice came out to visit for a few days. Alice talked non-stop about the wedding, the beautiful decorations, and the dress she had purchased shortly after Edward made the choice to stay in Forks, the ring, and on and on. It was nauseating but the company was still better than long lonely runs through northern Canada that reminded me a little bit too much of my trip to Siberia. Loss seemed to be too great a part of my.

I packed my car with the few things I would need during my stay in Forks. I wasn't planning on staying too terribly long and I wasn't looking forward to seeing Tanya either. Our last conversation wasn't exactly heart warming. I had lost a lot when Nathaniel died.

The trip only took about twenty six hours. I flew down the road, listening to old country songs about breaking up. I left the windows rolled down and the wind smelled of dirt and crops. It was a comforting smell, from the earth and back to the earth, dust to dust.

Carlisle and Esme were standing there at the top of the drive when I pulled up. I am sure Alice had told them the exact moment I would arrive. Esme was always so happy to have me close.

"We are so happy you came," she squeezed me tight, I was glad that I wasn't breakable. That thought just reminded me of Edward and Bella, breakable Bella. It was nauseating to think about.

"It is good to be here, you are the only family I've got," I admitted before I could edit the words in my head. Carlisle kissed the top of my head and arm and arm with Esme we walked into the house.

I was blown away by the decorations; there must have been a hundred thousand dollars worth of flowers. The scent alone nearly bowled me over but I guess it didn't really bother them. It was beautiful, Alice had been right.

"Everyone else is out hunting. There will be a lot of humans there tomorrow, you may want to take a turn yourself," Carlisle suggested.

"I stopped on my way here. I just couldn't help myself to the coyotes I heard roaming the woods. A pack was after a family dog, I thought maybe I would give it a fighting chance," I laughed at the memory. The coyotes were working as pack to wear out the dog and they were pretty surprised to see me. I split the pack in two, grabbing the alpha male as I went. The rest of the pack was still pestering the dog so I grabbed a second coyote from that half as well. They scattered like birds. The dog had a smug look on his face so I flashed him a big grin and he whimpered and ran off leaving me alone to enjoy my conquest.

"Besides, only Edward is more controlled around humans than I."

"You are probably right," he shrugged, "They should be home soon, Alice was anxious to see you. She is a little worried about you."

"Oh really?" I raised one eyebrow in concern. She usually only worried about someone if there was something in her vision.

"I will let her talk to you; it probably isn't any of my business," he said but wouldn't meet my eyes. It must be bad or maybe I was just exaggerating.

"So where is Bella? I am excited to finally meet her after all this time," and I was sincere about that. Whatever jealousy was there was mixed with a great sense of happiness and joy for her. It was uncomfortable to feel so much of someone else as a part of you and I was hoping meeting her would finally severe whatever supernatural link Edward had mistakenly created.

"She is at home with her father, making him dinner I am sure. It is easy for us to forget that humans have to eat," Esme explained and I looked around and noticed that the household did appear to be a little bit more human friendly. You would almost believe they were as normal as any other Forks resident but it still didn't hold the warmth and security that most homes held for their human occupants. Humans used homes to protect themselves, we used homes as a prop, and no matter how many props we added it never seemed to remove the sterile feeling.

Alice came bounding in the door, she always reminded me a little bit of Tigger. She had that same bubbly enthusiasm that was so endearing and infectious. She always rarely stayed in one spot long. I had to imagine if she had been born at a later time she would have been a great dancer, into yoga and new age mysticism. I smiled and raced to embrace her.

The images came clearly into my mind, one after another. Roan, with a vampire mark on his neck, his eyes glazed, and a moan escaped his lips. I was standing over him in a dark alley. I couldn't tell if he was dying or had just been bitten. Where was I? I didn't recognize anything about this place. What had I done? Did I do this? I couldn't see what led up to this but I let go within an instant but it was too late.

The mood shifted to something much more somber. I shook my head to remove the vision from my thoughts.

"You saw the vision I had?"

"Yes, it was gruesome. Could I have done that? I have lived with humans a long time, their scent hardly bothers me and I know his scent doesn't affect me at all," I felt desperation tighten my throat.

"I wasn't planning on ever seeing him again. This must be a mistake."

"My visions are not set in stone, just promise me you will stay away from him," her eyes met mine with a plea.

"I don't have to promise you that because I had already planned to do so."

She smiled for a moment waiting for her vision to change and then frowned, "It doesn't appear to be changing. You have to mean it."

"I do mean it. I am not lying to you. I have no intention of ever seeing him again. I can't even tell where that alley was or why I was there."

"I can't tell you how worried I am. You could expose yourself. Look at the problems with Bella and Edward," her forehead scrunched as she spoke.

"Alice, I promise you that I won't see him."

She seemed mollified for the moment and was thankfully, distracted by her cell phone. She seemed to take the stairs in one leap, disappearing into her room.

"Oh, by the way, I have your dress up here," she called from her room.

I rolled my eyes and decided a walk would be nice. The smell of the Pacific Northwest was much different from Maine. While the environments seemed similar, Maine seemed crisper, the air less heavy with water. Maine smelled fresh like a sunny day while Forks smelled like rotting wood and old growth. Even the sea salt in the air smelled different. In Maine it was sweet, here it just smelled sour. But maybe it was more my attitude.

The Cullens' home by the river was beautiful. I leaped the rived in one graceful hop. On the other side my toes landed in the soft silt which felt like silk against my feet. I squished my feet around for a few seconds grateful that I had taken my shoes off before I decided to take a walk.

I continued on through the green forests and I pondered all that had happened over the past two years of my life and all that was, apparently, to come. I must have made it to somewhere in Canada before the sun started coming up the next morning. I ran back to the house as fast as I could before Alice could freak about not being ready for the wedding.


	16. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

I heard Bella coming up the drive with Alice, I hadn't met her, yet I could feel her. Not once in my vampire life had I been able to feel someone from a distance. She was excited and scared, all the normal feelings and reactions that any woman would feel before her wedding day. I couldn't help but smile at the growing excitement in me.

I walked into the hallway and caught Carlisle as he was racing up the stairs. His tie was undone and shirt collar unbuttoned at the top.

"Carlisle, can your abilities grow through time? I mean, can they change or become stronger?" I asked a little sheepishly when he looked at me like I was a bit off my rocker.

"I suppose so. Some of the Volturi have been known to increase their powers through time but it isn't a great deal and it takes centuries to perfect. Why?"

"I can feel Bella, her emotions, I mean," I couldn't meet his eyes this time.

"Hmm, that is interesting. Can we talk more after the wedding? I am kind of busy at the moment," he darted into his room before I could even say sure.

Rosalie zoomed up the stairs and pulled me into her room. The ice queen was never overly happy to be around me but she seemed to be making an exception. Weddings had that kind of effect on people.

She pulled my dark hair back and pulled it up into a French twist, leaving enough hair around the edges to curl into ringlets that framed my face. I didn't need any makeup, though; I usually wore makeup when I was around humans to hide the sparkle. The whole affair took less than a minute.

I looked in the mirror and for a moment it wasn't my face I saw but Bella's. I shook my head to clear away the vision but all that did was bring up a double vision of my face and her face superimposed on each other. I felt a little sick, a feeling I had experienced in more than a half century as my muscles tightened into tight balls all over my body.

Rosalie didn't notice my momentary hesitation and went on jabbering about Emmett and their weddings and honeymoons. I smiled up at her and pretended like I somehow cared.

"What was your honeymoon like?" Rosalie asked abruptly. It was as though she suddenly realized that I didn't care about her or that the world didn't revolve around her. Either way, I wasn't too interested in that kind of girl talk.

"We didn't really have one. We moved to Austria," I tried to make her drop it but I could tell she wasn't going to do so.

"But what about, um, afterward?" Rosalie stammered a little bit. I have never known her to be particularly coy but it seemed that her stammer came more for fear of Bella than any particular concern about my sex life.

"It was fine; we weren't knocking down any houses if that is what you mean."

I guess the look on my face was enough to end this line of questioning and she left the room and left me to my thoughts. I wasn't prepared to meet Bella, I didn't want to meet her, and I didn't even want to be here in this house, with these people. I sighed; the feeling in my muscles was replaced by the apprehension that was rolling off Bella my direction.

I heard Alice and Bella talking in the other room. Bella's mom was in there with them. It was close to start time so I picked up my silk scarf and draped it around my arms and made my way to the great room for the ceremony.

The room was crowded and elegant. I picked a seat toward the back and tried not to make eye contact with Edward. He looked amazing, like the man in my dreams when I was a human teenager. I sighed with the thought and at the same moment his eyes met mine. I didn't need to touch him to see some of the feelings at the surface. There was happiness, extreme happiness, but there was a flicker of pain when our eyes first met. There was some part of him that felt sorry for me and that only made me feel worse.

I would have to be more careful about my thoughts for the rest of the day. I tried to focus on Nathaniel and our small wedding ceremony in an English cottage near his home town. It was simple, only twenty five people, including us and the minister. We ate home made shepherds pie at our reception and danced to Chopin that his mother played on the piano. Those were simpler times.

Surprisingly, Tanya came and sat down next to me. She silently reached for my hand and whispered so softly, only I could hear, that Edward had told her what happened. If there was any other one person here today who might possibly understand how I was feeling, it was her. I took comfort in her presence but offered no explanation of my own. She seemed content with only the comfort as well.

I felt Bella's presence when she entered the room. I refused to look at her and Edward's eyes snapped to me momentarily with my thought. I flicked my eyes away from him and focused on the flowers above.

All in all, the ceremony flew by. I hardly paid attention the words or the vows but refocused my thoughts on Nathaniel. He looked so handsome, then. Before his body had started to fail he was a sight to see. I was thankful I wasn't inhibited by humans' imperfect memory and was able to still see him as the handsome doctor who stole my heart away.

It was time for the receiving line, and I knew there was no way out of this. Tanya pulled my hand but I wasn't really interested in being near her while we met Bella. Her emotions were equally full of turmoil and the farther away I could be from her during this event the more I could keep to just my own feelings.

I hung back toward the end of the line with some of the folks from town. They were all chattering about how beautiful the home was. It was nothing like they expected from such a secretive family. If anything, the wedding had helped establish them as human, in much the same manner that Nathaniel had established me as human.

It was finally my turn to meet her. She was beaming and beautiful and for a moment our emotions merged. I was beaming and beautiful, too. She hugged me and in the same instant my head exploded. It was as though I was walking through glass and million shards were tearing me to pieces. I heard her thoughts for only the briefest of moments and I pulled away. I touched my hand to my head and returned my smile to my face all within a second.

Edward's eyes were filled with concern but he hardly dared to touch me lest I hear his thoughts. A mere "congratulations" and an awkward half bow and I quickly moved to the patio for the reception.

I spent the evening making small talk with the town people. They were curious about me since I was an out of towner. I explained that my father was Esme's cousin so she had always been an aunt to me and how she was especially helpful after my father died a few years ago and I was getting settled into college. They seemed regaled by my tales of my house remodeling and my time in Europe. It was fun to relive old memories.

I danced with Carlisle, Emmett and Jasper who all felt a tinge of pain for the past as well. Each one of them felt it was their mission to ensure I enjoyed myself and I laughed and danced and kept the façade up for awhile.

"Rory, right?" a young Native American man asked when I was turned to look out toward the river. He was attractive and his face was sincere.

"Yea," it came out more as a sigh than I meant for it.

"I was wondering if you wanted to dance."

"Sure."

He took my hand with surprising authority and none of the usual fear that is associated when someone touches one of our hands. He at least seemed familiar and I assumed he was one of the wolves from the Reservation.

"So you are cousin?" he asked as he whirled me around. He wasn't as graceful as Carlisle or Emmett but he was surprising capable.

"Yea, I live in Maine where I go to school. I am staying with the Cullens for a little this summer. You must be from the Quiluyute tribe. What's your name?"

"Seth Clearwater," he smiled down at me. He had short dark and chocolate brown eyes. He was much taller than me and very strong, maybe not as strong as Emmett, but he looked it. I relaxed in his embrace and he did too.

"How old are you?"

"Older than your mother. An Abba song is coming to mind," I laughed for the first time all night. His warm emotions were pouring into me with a ferocity that warmed my spirit. He laughed, too.

"You don't look so old."

"Neither do you. How old are you?"

"Sixteen," he answered and I nearly threw him across the room in shock. He looked to be closer to twenty five and as if reading my thoughts, "but I look closer to twenty five," he smiled in pride.

"Whoa, then I am probably older than your grandmother," I said incredulously but he only laughed.

"Just relax; no one is going to turn you in. You are supposed to be what, nineteen? And this is a wedding," he spun me around as he spoke. He was charming and funny and if I had been paying attention I would have noticed that some of his mannerisms were that of a young kid. But Seth was turning a night around into something enjoyable and I wasn't going to miss out on it.


	17. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

The party began to wind down after a few hours. I was impressed that Edward willing swallowed a piece of cake. Except for the minor hiccup with the intruding werewolves, everything went smoothly. I was even enjoying myself twirling in Seth's arms. It didn't remove all the pain but the band-aid seemed big enough for the evening.

We waved good-bye as Bella and Edward left on their honeymoon to some island Esme owns down off the coast of Brazil. Having just been to that area it made it a little too easy to picture Edward and Bella enjoying themselves. It was the kind of picturesque moment that made me nostalgic and my mood quickly soured.

"I am going fishing tomorrow, I was wondering if there would be any way you would like to join me?" Seth asked as we walked back into the house. I couldn't hide my shock at the question. I don't think I had ever been fishing before, well at least not the real way. Could I even have the patience for it?

"Sure, I guess. I have never been before."

It was his turn to look shocked, "So you hunt wild animals with your bare hands and you haven't ever taken time to enjoy the finer moments of life fishing?"

His innocence and the ease that he accepted the darker side of me made it very difficult to refuse, "Well, I guess I will have to get some equipment. What time does the sports store open in town?"

"I don't know, probably not early enough to go fishing. You can borrow some of my things until you get your own," his deep voice melted my mood away like sunshine after the rain. Was I really beginning to think in stupid clichés?

"Alright, what time should I come by?"

His face dropped, "You can't come by. We will have to meet at the fishing spot. It is a little north of here on a branch of the Quiluyute River," he went on to describe the directions, "Do you need me to write them down?"

I laughed out loud, "No, I think I got it. I will see you there when the sun comes up."

"Well I will be there a little bit before. I was thinking about asking Charlie to come, too. Would you mind?"

"Not at all. He seems like a very nice man and I don't think he would bother us with a lot of small talk," I grinned as I spoke. Charlie was a man much like Nathaniel, he was very efficient with words. Charlie reminded me of Nathaniel in a lot of ways but was very different from him in many others. I wouldn't mind spending some time with him even if it brought up some painful memories.

"Good because I think he is going to need the distraction. Sending your only daughter off with a vampire has got to keep one up at night."

"He knows?" I whispered conspiratorially.

"I don't think he knows what Edward is, but ever since he came into her life trouble has followed her. Hospital stays, last minute trips, fancy new cars would make me suspicious. Of course he likes Edward but there is uneasiness there. I am going to do my best to talk him out of it."

"You are a good man, you know that? What makes you hang around us weirdoes anyway? You being our natural enemies and all."

He laughed but didn't answer my question, "I'll swing by and pick you up, that might be easier and a little bit more enjoyable," he said and walked away into the woods. I heard a pair of howls a few moments later and turned to return to the house.

I heard panting and pacing paws not too far away from the house. By the smell of it, I assumed it was Leah, Seth's older sister. It was definitely a feminine smell.

"You might as well stop hiding, your brother is long gone if that is what you are worried about."

I heard her snort loudly and some rustling in the forest and a few minutes later a young native woman walked out of the forest. I was amazed at the quick transformation and her natural beauty. I wrong assumed that any woman who could turn into a wolf must not be much to look at but in this case I was certainly wrong. However, her scowl left me feeling there was some ugliness underneath.

"Why don't you just stay away from him. His hero worship of you bloodsuckers is disturbing to the whole pack," she spat at me with such venom I thought I might start burning again. She emphasized the word bloodsucker so that it sounded like some sort of curse but I supposed it was.

"We had an evening of dancing together. He seemed to be enjoying himself. Are you his keeper?" I asked with a false sense of calm I wasn't feeling.

"I am his sister."

"Your hostility is unbecoming," I stated and walked away. I could hear her heart rate hop up as her anger boiled over.

"Do not walk away from me," she shouted.

"Or what? Are we going to have it out right here? Because I don't particularly care to fight you."

"Are you afraid?"

I laughed, "Hardly but I would think Seth would be unhappy if I brought you back to him in several pieces."

"You are as arrogant as the rest of them."

"Hardly. But I am guessing the rest of those bloodsuckers wouldn't remain in the house for very long and you would be significantly outnumbered," the calm in my voice was returning but there was a hard edge that hadn't existed before Seth left.

She pouted a moment as she took note of the situation. Her face changed to a more pleading expression, "Please stay away from him. He is just a kid. He doesn't know what he wants."

"I will leave it up to him what he wants. You talk to him. If he doesn't want to see me, I am okay with that. I go back to school in the fall anyway."

"School? You go to college?"

"Does that surprise you, the Cullenses go to high school. Why shouldn't I go to college?"

"It just sounded so normal," she took a step closer to take a better look at me, "but you stink like the rest of them."

"Well I wouldn't say you smell so pleasant yourself but I am rather used to living near cats and dogs so it probably doesn't bother me nearly as much as the others."

Her eyes narrowed as she measured me. I couldn't remember the last time I had faced such scrutiny, probably only the night I had met Nathaniel. His eyes narrowed much the same way as he tried to measure the danger and gauge what I was. I lifted my chin to face the onslaught of questions that never came.

She just sat down on the step to the house and I followed her. Her head went into her hands. I wasn't sure if she was still upset, or exhausted, or frustrated and I didn't dare touch her to find out. She just sat there quietly for many minutes and I counted the number of flies circling our heads. I was up to fifteen hundred different flies, eleven hundred and fifty two were female and all the rest were male, when she finally spoke.

"It is hard you know," her voice just above a whisper.

"If you are concerned about the others hearing you probably shouldn't talk at all. I am sure they can hear you from wherever in the house but they will be discreet if you want them to be," I was guessing from the glare I received in return, those were not the words she wanted to hear but I felt obliged to remind her that we were not your average family.

"I hardly care what that leech family of yours thinks," she said a little too loudly. I heard several shuffles in the house as people attempted to move out of range or at least give us the illusion of privacy.

"Leah, I am not sure what you are looking for from me, but I am probably not the right person to help you. We are all just muddling along making the best decisions that we are able."

"Sometimes those decisions are forced upon us," she returned a little too sharply.

"Sometimes they are. I no more decided to be a vampire than you decided to be a werewolf. Like you it was thrust upon me at the prime of my life. I have done what I could with what life, er, existence, has dealt me. If you came for sympathy I am not sure I can offer it."

"Do you think I want your sympathy?"

"Then what is it?" I returned with a little bit of an edge.

In an instant she was gone and I heard her howl from somewhere over the ridge. The encounter left me feeling hollow, she was a reminder of what I had lost. Somewhere in my conversations with Alice, Leah had come up. Her story was well known to everyone and her pain was a badge she wore on her sleeve that would never go away. What about that story could I not relate to? Yet I couldn't offer her any sympathy because I couldn't even offer that to myself.

"If you want to talk I will always listen," I shouted into the vast forest. I heard her bark back at me in return. I wasn't sure if that was an affirmative or negative but I definitely got the sense that this wouldn't be it.


End file.
